Thursday, March 21, 2013

Like a flood...

When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him. (Isaiah 59:19b)

So, remember how I went on and on about how easy this whole obedience thing had been? How I hadn't experienced any temptation or cravings for the junk that I ate before? How I felt awesome and hadn't suffered any migraines? How everything was rainbows and puppy dogs in my world? Well...

The day I wrote my last post, something happened. I was driving home, jammin' to some Mandisa, minding my own business when the Lord spoke to me. Now, I'm not one of those people that says that all the time.  I can count, perhaps, 5-6 times in my entire 18 year walk that I would say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God spoke to me. I mean, aside from my interaction with his Word, i.e., scripture. What I'm talking about is God coming in and communicating something to my heart and mind in a very tangible, meaningful, world-rocking kind of way...a way that can't be ignored or disobeyed or dismissed or confused with my own thoughts/emotions.

So, as I was driving home across a bridge I generally hold my breath to cross, God showed up and took my breath away. He showed me that, while I had been obedient and been given victory in this one area, He had a bigger end-game in mind. He wanted to do a deeper work. Then, he immediately pointed out one or two things that needed to change immediately in order for me to move forward and in the direction He desired for me to go. My core body temperature increased by a good 10 degrees, the hair on my arms stood on end, and the tears...oh, the tears. They lasted a good 15 minutes. They are forming now as I go back to that moment in my mind. They were good tears...grateful tears. How kind of God to show me that He is with me, in this, and wants to do something in me, for me, that is even bigger than what I hoped.

In case you're wondering, He didn't tell me what that something bigger/deeper is...just knowing that this whole changing my life thing is His deal is enough for me.

The moment was so beautiful, so powerful, so humbling, so encouraging, I couldn't help but tearing up as I thought about it over the next day or two.

The next day, the flood came in.

I had a plan. I was due for an upgrade on my phone and was going to head straight to the phone store after work and get a new phone. Everything went wrong at the store and I wasn't able to get it done without first going home and taking care of something first. So, I drove home...ticked...yet, also realizing how stupid it was to be ticked about something like this. I also REALLY wanted nachos! The more frustrated I got, the more I wanted to shove something not good for me in my mouth. Thankfully, what I had to do at home didn't take long and I was able to get back to the store and handle my upgrade before it closed. But I spent the next two days fighting cravings. Where before candy aisles and fast food signs didn't phase me, now they made me drool and my body literally yearn for their offerings. It was nuts!

I'd like to say I made it through my first Cravapalooza unscathed, but, sadly, that was not the case.

The weekend after God spoke and the cravings started, I had to photograph a wedding. I was "on the job" for 9 hours (between shooting and driving). Even the most wonderful wedding is stressful for me. I want to produce magazine quality images for my couples on my shoestring equipment and limited talent. I put a lot of pressure on myself, while also trying to be a source of calm and encouragement for the bride and groom. Plus, I'm on my feet all day and don't have time to eat or even go to the potty. All that to say, by the end of the night, I was beat and wanted a "drink". For me, that means "Coke Zero". So, on the way home I stopped at Wendy's for a large.

I woke up very early the next morning with a migraine.

Now, I don't know if it was that my body had gotten accustomed to being without artificial sweeteners and reacted to the overdose or if they gave me real Coke instead, regardless, the migraine lasted all day. Shortly after mid day, I was hungry and realized I hadn't eaten yet that day. However, the thought of getting up and cooking was just too much for me to handle. So...

I ordered pizza.

I inhaled my first slice. I took a bit more time with the second. When I got to the third, I sort of came to my senses and realized I needed to slow down. This was just a meal. It was not a drug. It was not comfort. It was not medicine that would help me feel better and make my migraine go away.  More than that, it was made up of many things that have historically given me migraines, made me fat, caused me to feel sick and tired. So, I finished the slice, felt satisfied, and promptly threw the rest in the trash. As I drank a big glass of water, I reminded myself that it was just a meal. It was one choice and I'd have another to make when the next meal time rolled around. I prayed that I would make a good choice and moved on.

"In those days Judah will be saved, and Jerusalem will dwell securely. And this is the name by which it will be called: ‘The LORD is our righteousness.’" (Jeremiah 33:16 ESV) 

While the pizza incident is regrettable, it was a valuable reminder that this fight isn't really mine. Obviously, I will make choices and sometimes they will be the wrong ones, but ultimately it is God who will do this work. Seeing God's true end game in this journey is not solely dependent on my goodness, my ability to obey, my willpower...it is dependent on and guaranteed by His goodness, His power and His promises. It is His righteousness that  I need to make it to the end and His righteousness, I pray will be most evident to everyone when I get there.

Hopefully...
t

  

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Monthiversary...

Happy Monthiversary to me!
It's my One Monthiversary!! The perfect time to look back and see all the way the Lord has led me, thus far...

One month and two days ago, I had an 18 hour migraine. I woke up with it, worked through it, and went to bed with it. I cried twice at my desk. I was depressed, overly emotional (even for me) and had Popeye's for dinner because it was what seemed most comforting at that moment.

This was not an atypical day for me. I had days like this at least once a week, if not more. My weeks were also typically peppered with at least one migraine I couldn't muscle through and one or two others that were not as long-lasting. Eating what seemed most comforting in the moment was a daily thing and my selections generally rotated between Popeye's, McDonald's, pizza, or nachos. The depression had been creeping up on me for a while and often led to entire days spent on the sofa or in bed. It also led to me sighing...a lot.

On a typical weekday, my food diary might look something like this:

Breakfast: coffee with heavy whipping cream, 1 piece of country sausage, 2 packets of instant grits (I'd leave out the grits if I was trying to be "good".)
Snack: 2 servings of cheez-its and a coke zero (or peanuts if I was trying to be "good")
Lunch: Healthy Choice frozen entree (on a good day) or a double Whopper with extra mayo (on a bad day) and a coke zero
Snack: Chips or nuts maybe with a little candy and a coke zero
Dinner: 4 slices of pizza or a 3 piece from Popeye's with a large red beans and a coke zero
Snack (because, even after all that, I was still craving food): chips and candy or ice cream from the corner store and another coke zero.

Fast-forward 32 days...
Now, my typical weekday food diary looks something like this:

Breakfast: coffee with a little organic half & half, greek yogurt with berries
Snack: a piece of fruit
Lunch: Leftovers from whatever I made for dinner the night before. Usually,  some combo of lean, organic meat and fresh veggies (unless it's Meatless Monday...which I invented, by the way...but more on that later.) and a coke zero (only if I go to my Mom's)
Snack: Carrots or peppers with hummus
Dinner: Some combo of meat and veg (my favorites these days are beef fajita or Mediterranean chicken lettuce wraps, shrimp stir-fry, and rotisserie chicken with sweet potato and broccoli)
Snack (only if I'm hungry): a piece of fruit

I've only had one migraine in the past month and that was on a day I made a bad choice for lunch. I've had 3 other headaches that were either sinus or food-related (from not eating on time or not eating enough). They didn't last very long and didn't impede my day at all.  I haven't had any Popeye's, have only eaten "off plan" once (the day I got the migraine...it was sushi, in case you were wondering), and haven't had one single craving for the junk I used to eat before. The depression has lifted and I've only cried at my desk once (it was a rough day). My sighing has also diminished.

Down 21 pounds?
Winning!
Oh, and did I mention, I've lost 21 lbs?


Twenty one...

TWO - ONE pounds in 30 days.

Yep...that happened!

The negative pounds are very exciting, even though no one but me can even really tell I've lost weight. I notice some difference in my clothes, but, it will probably take another -20 before the general public will start to say "Hey, have you lost weight?" And, that's ok. The big change, the one that really,  truly matters and the one that will help keep me going for the long haul is something that can't be measured on a scale or validated by buying jeans a size smaller. That something is the feeling of freedom.

Scripture says,
    For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1 ESV)
 It seems like a simple, easy-to-follow instruction..."I've given you freedom. Be free." But, at least in my life, I find I choose slavery more often. I think I am being free by choosing what I feel, what I crave, what I tell myself I need, when all I'm really doing is turning the key in the lock of my cell. Then, I get so comfortable in there that I convince myself that it's normal, it's ok, it's justifiable, it's just how life goes, it doesn't matter.

But, it really does.

Being just on the outside of that cell door now, I can tell you, there is not one bit of self-indulgence, not one bite of anything, not one pity party, not one nap, not one choice I made in the name of comfort that was contrary to what my spirit and heart and mind knew was the "next right thing" that left me feeling like I do right now.

Not. One.

So, now that I've stepped into the freedom that's been mine all along, what's the next step? I mean, other than just to keep going for the next however long it takes me to get all this extra weight off. It's that thing that has always been the hardest for me. That thing I never think I have time for. That thing that requires a bit more effort than just shopping a different way.

That thing is...
















 Exercise!

I'll be starting next week. :)

Hopefully...
t

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Another year...

Tomorrow, I turn 41.

Forty plus a whole 'nother year. Another year of this...my Plan Z life. Another year of sitting at a desk instead of making a home. Another year of longing unfulfilled. Another year of temptation to ask "why?" and another year of trying not to. Another year with lots of sighs, heart aches, choking back tears and way too much redecorating.

But, it's also been a year of seeing God as faithful even when I don't get my way. Another year of learning what it is to lean even more on the everlasting arms. Another year of finding a refuge in Him when those tears just won't be choked back. Another year of learning that He truly is a very present help. Another year of choosing Hope over all else.

Hope not in my plan, not that "someday my prince will come" or that I'll get to know what it feels like to fall in love (and have that love returned) to carry and birth a child, to make a life, a family, a home with someone God sent just for me...but in something that is constant, unchanging, guaranteed and won't ever be taken away. Hope in God's love for me, in God's plan for me, in God's faithfulness to me, in God's unrelenting, untiring, undeniable care for me.

No matter how sad I get, how far I wander, how many times I make the same mistakes over and over again...God has proved Himself faithful. He has never just left me in my mess, in my grief, in my disobedience. He has always, always, rescued me and set me on the right path...again...and again. He has always given me what I needed, when I needed it. He has been true, even when I have faithlessly chased after my plan or been ungrateful for his provision.

Tomorrow, I turn 41.

Forty plus a whole 'nother year of evidences of God's kindness, of proving His promises and reasons to say:

The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. (Psalm 28:7)

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Happy day...

There are a few days of the year that are not my favorites:

1. New Years Eve
2. Valentine's Day
3. Election Day (really just since the advent of Facebook)
4. Brake Tag renewal day
5. The day before trash day
6. My birthday

I don't know if it's just because I'm too old to get angsty now or if it's this season of hope and change, but I'm actually not hating the idea of having a birthday this year. Now, that doesn't mean I want a big party or anything. No...me and birthday parties are not friends. People try to have them for me and 3 people show up. It's sad. But, I was thinking it might be fun to find another way to celebrate that, um, I'm not dead yet and that, for the time being, I don't feel completely doomed to misery.

Here's what I came up with:

1. Give 41 hugs on my birthday. This shouldn't be too hard considering I have church Sunday...and we have a little over 41 people there most weeks. ;)
I love hugs. And, I've been told I'm a pretty good hugger. So, this should be super fun for everyone. Unless I try to hug someone who doesn't believe in hugs or touching women who are not married to him or something...then it will just be awkward.

2. 10 Random Acts of Kindness (since my birthday is on the 10th). I could make up a list of ideas or just see what the Lord puts in front of me. I heart lists almost as much as I heart spontaneity, so it's a toss up. If you have any ideas for some super fun or meaningful random acts, please feel free to post them in the comments. I'd love to hear your suggestions!

Who knows, I might just enjoy my birthday after all...and maybe even make a friend or two.

Hopefully...
t

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

The rest of the story...

Discerning readers, or at least discerning readers who know me at all, may have noticed a gaping hole in my previous post.

This post is me, planting a tree in that hole.

Confused? Good...read on. ;)



Whenever someone has any degree of success in quitting a bad habit or sticking to a diet or maintaining an exercise routine or switching to decaf, the response they typically get from others is "I wish I had your willpower!" In case you are tempted to think the same thing about me after reading my previous post...don't. I have the opposite of willpower. This should patently obvious to anyone who knows me or has seen me, for that matter. If I could sum up the state of my willpower in an internet meme, it'd be this one:


True story.

Me doing this and it working now is not just about me making a choice or being sick and tired of being sick and tired or even about good old fashioned gumption, just like the point of this journey isn't just about getting healthy, stopping my migraines and losing weight (more on that later).

Me, doing this and it working this time is fruit.

What do I mean?
Let me explain.

Fruit doesn't just appear randomly, unconnected to anything else, neither does it appear by shear force of will. Fruit is grown as a result of planting a seed, which is then exposed to the proper amounts of water and sunlight. If it manages to survive wind and drought and pests, that seed becomes a tree, which then matures, going through seasons of blossoming and barrenness, until, finally, it gives birth to beautiful fruit. In short, fruit is borne through a combination of effort and providence.

Fruit...on a tree...not materializing out of thin air. ;)

So, I say again, me doing this and it working now is fruit.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've dieted...and failed...a lot over the past 25 years. I've done Weight Watchers, Richard Simmon's Deal a Meal, the Cabbage Soup Diet, Slim Fast, Atkins and random diets my mom found in women's magazines. Most of the time, my attempt was rooted in nothing more than vanity or self-loathing. Those roots usually held for about 2 weeks, and then gave way. Each time, I went right back to how I'd lived before, each time feeling more certain that I was just doomed, stuck in "this" forever. But, each failure, each lesson learned, each victory that showed me what was possible, and each time I was able to start again after failure (even though some times that starting again only lasted a day) led me here, prepared me for now, was the water and sun and protection and nutrients this fruit needed to grow and ripen become ready for harvest.

Tired of the fruit analogy? Ok, I'll speak plainly.

“Agree with God, and be at peace; thereby good will come to you." (Job 22:21)

There really has only been two other times that my attempts to lose weight had any real degree of success. The first time was about 7 years ago. I lost 100 lbs over the course of a year eating low carb. I did not exercise or count calories, I simply cut out "white stuff". The second time, I counted calories and exercised 3-5 times a week. I lost 50 lbs in 6 months. During that time, I discovered that fat girls can run...and I loved it. Though my methods were very different each time, they did have two tings in common:

1. They started with repentance...or agreeing with God.
2. They ended with disobedience.

True story.

See, I've found that there really is only one way to get "here". That way is to "agree with God". I don’t know why, but that is really the hardest step, harder than giving up my favorite treat or getting up early to go for a walk. Agreeing requires me to acknowledge that I made something that wasn't good for me, that was sin, that was disobedience a justifiable option in my life. My response to that agreement is then to take a step in the opposite direction.

For we walk by faith, not by sight.—So we do not lose heart. (2 Corinthians 5:7, 2 Corinthians 4:16)

I found I could manage to address the symptoms of my issue (i.e. finding ways to lose weight or treat migraines) on my own feeble willpower for a while…but only for a while. I did this by convincing myself my problem was something other than what it really was and looking for some “new” trick or gimmick promising change. But, I just ended up back where I started, if not worse off. I don’t believe mine was a unique experience. I believe this is true of pretty much everyone battling sin (or whatever other name you want to give it). The stats for the addiction treatment and weight-loss industries bear this out as truth. The only thing that has ever worked in my life has been agreeing and responding appropriately to that agreement. Mental assent alone won’t cut it. Hoping I somehow wake up tomorrow and just do everything right won’t get me there. God calls us to love him with our heart and soul and mind. To find true change, our agreement needs to put feet to that love and walk in it, by faith, trusting that God will meet us there with what we need to take more steps and not lose heart.

So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.” (Genesis 16:13)

The promise of God to bring peace and good when I agree has been borne out in my life so many times, even in little daily choices. Now, by God's grace and mercy, I am seeing it borne out a third time in the specific area of my weight/health. This change should be harder than it has been. I should be tempted to cheat more. I should be rabid for nachos right about now. I'm not.

But, to be annoyingly clear, I do not credit this ease to my own willpower (see fat cat photo, above) or to my plan being the "right" one. I credit it to being looked after, in the midst of my self-indulgence and stubbornness and disobedience, to being prepared to agree with God...to the point that reaching up and grabbing that big, beautiful fruit was the only choice I wanted to make.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. (Psalm 62:5)

Over the past 6 months, I did become sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I did yearn for change. I did try, every week, to make a plan of my own and stick to it. And, more and more as time went on and each week brought fresh failure, I began to cry out to God for help, for change, for anything...anything at all so long as it wasn't saying where I was, feeling like I was, living how I was. And, I waited. And, God answered. And, I agreed. And, God gave fruit...the first of what I believe will be a plentiful harvest.

Hopefully...
t

p.s. All of the verses quoted in this post were part of my daily reading over the month prior to my agreeing.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

It starts...

What is it about birthdays and holidays that cause us to evaluate our lives? I know it's not just me. Valentine's Day causes single people to examine their past relationship/life choices, Thanksgiving and Christmas cause people to think more about family and priorities, and January 2nd marks the busiest day of the year for the diet and exercise industry. There is just something about these annual milestones that cause us to look back, take stock, and think of a day, one year in the future when things will be different, things will be better, things will have (hopefully) changed.

One month before my 41st birthday, I found myself postured in much the same way. After being overweight for most of my life and suffering from chronic migraines for half my life - and facing another birthday, single, very much alone, childless, and, frankly, afraid of life most of the time - I mustered up just enough hope to try to change...again.



Me...hoping.

I want to say this time felt different; this time I knew it was going to work; this time I knew I'd see it through to the end. But, I didn't. Like all of the other times before, when I failed or I gave up part way there, all I had was some information, a plan, and just enough hope to try to change...again.

So, on a Wednesday, after suffering through an 18 hour migraine, I decided to give it one more try. I took information from my past experiences and some that I'd gathered through research on food manufacturing and nutrition as medicine and formulated a plan. It was pretty simple:

1. Scratch the sugar - If I'd learned one thing for certain over the past 20 years of fighting losing battles against my weight and my migraines, it was this: my body no likely the sugar...or anything that turned into sugar after I ate it. So, candy, cake, chips, breads, Kraft Mac & Cheese, gravy, fried chicken skin and southwestern cheese fries (i.e. the staples of my diet) were out.

2. Focus on fresh - When I wasn't thinking about dealing with my health, my diet was (as you see above) completely devoid of fresh fruits and vegetables...unless you count the wilted lettuce and mealy tomato that Mikey D's and BK put on their double patty burgers or the apples in Popeye's cinnamon apple pie. So, my goal was to make fruits and vegetables the main event at every meal. My reasoning was this: Obviously, something that is naturally grown is better for you than something manufactured...or any food that is passed to you through a window and eaten in your car, for that matter. Plus, fresh produce is lower in calories and way more nutrient rich than the aforementioned "food". Another plus, fresh produce has never caused me to slip into a food coma or get a migraine, so...win/win.

3. Minimize the meat - Now, before you feel judged or faint in shock I don't have any intention of becoming a vegetarian or a vegan. I loves me some meat and do not think it is unhealthy or even unethical for us to eat animal products (provided it is raised responsibly). Man has survived and thrived as an omnivore for centuries (well, before we started processing and pumping preservatives into our food, that is). However, to make item #2 work (i.e. eat more fruit & veg), the meat had to take up less space on my plate. The truth is, I was probably consuming, on average, 2 to 3 times the amount of meat I actually needed at each meal. Cutting back would not only make more room for veggies and fruits, but would also significantly cut calories, so, again...win/win.

4. Deal with dairy - I've read a lot on the evils of dairy and, much like the whole meat issue, I don't really see a problem with it (provided it is organic and not full of fillers and chemicals and things that probably shouldn't be ingested). But, also like meat, dairy is typically high in calories and fat, so keeping this to a minimum is probably not a bad idea.


5. Ease into Exercise - I live a sedentary life. I spend 9 hours a day in a desk chair at work, then most of the evening on my sofa watching TV and/or working on my 2nd job. Being the size I am, and considering the fact that I'm not on a reality show, I knew that there was no way I could go from where I was to exercising as much as I needed to. So, I gave myself one month to get my eating habits solid and more routine (and also lose some weight), after that I'd start a run-walk program accompanied by some strength training.

That's it. That was the plan.

Armed with this and a list (which I miraculously remembered to take with me instead of leaving it on my desk or in my car), I ventured into a place I never thought I would: 


Whole Foods.

Whole Foods!!! Ahhhh!
I confess, I was one of those people that rolled my eyes and looked down my nose at people who shopped exclusively at Whole Foods (meaning they went in there for more than the Chantilly Cake). I thought it was the grocery equivalent of designer jeans or ridiculous shoes you only wear for one hour, once a year. I didn't think the food was better, or better for you. I thought it was a fad, a status symbol, a place for snobs and hippies and conspiracy theorists an snobs (yes, I know i already said that).

Before that Wednesday after the 18-hour migraine, I'd watched a bunch of documentaries on food production and health and nutrition and decided organic food probably really was better than regular food. But, in my city, you can only buy organic at one store. You guessed it...that store is Whole Foods (aaaahhhh!!!).


So, being as I had no choice, I swallowed my middle-class righteous indignation, told myself as long as I really wasn't a snob it didn't matter where I shopped, took a deep breath, brought one of my brothers for emotional support and ventured in. Without a fancy re-usable grocery bag. 

The next day, I still went to my dead-end job, talked to friends, wore my off-brand clothes, loved my family, washed my own dishes and used my outdated phone. I didn't rush out and buy a pair of Birkenstocks or Louboutins. I just had lots of natural, healthy, chemical free food to eat, that I then had to cook and eat at home, like our our ancestors did, instead of in my car as I drove around the city. 

This, I'm told, is called "food". You can't get it at the drive-thru.

Whew! Crisis averted.

A little over two weeks later, I was down 16 lbs, wearing jeans I hadn't been able to get in for almost a year, and migraine free.

So far, I've learned a lot, tried a few things, made a few mistakes and felt better than I have in a really, really long time. No matter what my previous positions were on nutrition and food choices, or hippies, or snobs, you really can't argue with those results.

I'll be blogging my experience, what I'm learning, mistakes I'm making, and (hopefully) little victories I'm achieving all along the way. Factoring in my size, what the AMA says I should weigh and the fact that science says it is almost impossible for women over 40 to lose weight...this blog should continue for at least the next 53 years. So...grab a (healthy) snack and strap in, folks. It's gonna be a long, probably not totally boring, ride.


Hopefully,
t