Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Strong

Last night, I had coffee with a new friend...who is also something of a health guru. Though the subject of my health/weight does come up often when I meet with friends (it's kind of the elephant in the room wherever I go, literally and figuratively), this meeting was set to discuss the topic on purpose. Much to my delight, she didn't just hurl her knowledge and opinions at me and tell me what I was doing wrong. She asked a lot of questions, not just about my eating and fitness habits, but about my life, about my heart, and about my faith. 

During our conversation, she asked me why I wanted to lose weight...what I thought the result of that would be for me and my life. "I just know I will feel better and be better." While my friend didn't disagree that those ideas would probably wind up being true, she did question my assumption that me, now, wasn't good. 


Just like every other time a friend even dared to suggest that, I looked at her with a big "Duh!" written on my face. "I mean...look at me!", I thought. 
"THIS isn't good by anyone's estimation."
I'm the giant one in blue...
But, regardless of my inner arguments to the contrary, the challenge had been laid down and it had to be considered: my concept of myself, my appearance, could...be...wrong.
My friend then suggested I check out a series of posts over at MollyGalbraith.com called the "Love Your Body Challenge."

I'm nothing if not obedient, so I did. 

The first couple of posts, I confess, were really hard for me. Very fit, professional fitness people, were humbling themselves and sharing their flaws, comparing professionally posed/lit photos with real life ones...talking about how they came to terms with their cellulite, stretch marks, belly rolls (when they sit down), and jiggly butts to finally love their bodies (which still looked amazeballs in a bikini). While, I sat there, thinking...I'll take your dimply legs and you take my giant stomach...deal? I'll stress over your 10lbs while you stress over my 100+...k? 

I got where SHE is coming from, though. No matter how disciplined anyone is, how fit they are, everyone is going to have something they don't like about their bodies...usually something only they notice...and they should just cut themselves some slack and be happy with where they are now. 
"Makes sense," I thought, "when it's a jiggly hiney on an otherwise bangin' bod. 
But, THIS, is like comparing a freckle to leprosy!" (My middle name is "Dramatic.")
Apparently, I like to wear blue...
I confess, I wanted to hashtag each of their humiliating photos with the sarcastic #isthisrelatable tag. 

But, I kept reading and got to Day 3...

Now, to be clear, "strong" is not a word I'd use to describe myself (shocker), but it is a word that people have used to describe me, especially over the past year...coloring me puzzled.

How can anyone look at THAT up there and think "strong?" But, some people do. Some people even look at that and see other things, like "beautiful", "smart", "loving", "funny", and "talented". Two of those people are my nieces. A few months ago they surprised me with a little book they put together all on their own for no other reason than to bless my socks off. #theyweresuccessful

It  reads: You are as colorful as a flower and WOW you are smart.
It reads: You are so sweet as a cupcake and strong.

"Ti Ti, you are the best aunt ever. You've been there for us and now it is time for us to be there for you. So you are so beautiful, even beautifuler than her."

(It's ok to be jealous of me for a second. I'm one blessed Ti Ti.)

Until I read this book from my nieces, I never knew I wanted to be thought of as strong. But that word, more than any of the other sweet ones, really resonated with me. I look at myself and see weakness...and I assume everyone else does to. But, turns out, that isn't always true. 

If that isn't always true, then maybe all the other things I think about myself and assume other people think aren't always true either.

Maybe?

Like the well-meaning, bikini-clad fitness ladies and their cellulite, maybe I have elevated my weaknesses and flaws to a place that isn't reasonable, that is unnecessarily debilitating, that is damaging to my heart and soul, that is holding me back from the life I could be living...RIGHT NOW...NOT -100 lbs from now...if only I would just believe what my nieces and my friends believe about me and what my God says about me: "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14)

Maybe then, I can, at the very least, see myself as strong enough to try again...again?

Yes...maybe I can.