Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Pinky Promise

A couple of weeks ago, I watched an episode of "Extreme Weight Loss" for the first time. The host, Chris Powell drew me in from the first minute. His enthusiasm and boundless hope for the people he was working with, it got me excited, both for his clients and for my own journey.

After viewing that episode, I got online and looked Chris up. I was interested to learn a bit more about his method, his ideology, and his diet strategy. One of the first things I read was an article titled "Getting Started on Your Transformation." The first step Chris suggested was to make a promise to yourself. He didn't say what that promise should be, only that it must be an unbreakable promise. A pinky promise, if you will. ;)

That's quite the challenge! An unbreakable promise?

I could promise myself I'd never eat junk again, or that I'd exercise every day, or that I'd stay within my calorie goal no matter what. But, I know those are in no way unbreakable. Anything and everything could get in the way of me keeping those promises. Not only that...I know me. I know that even on my best day, there is that part of me that wants to eat what is not good for me, that wants to veg on the couch or sleep in or cut the run short. Every day, there's that part of me that recounts how long I've been fat, how many times I've failed before, how many times I've lost weight only to gain it back again.

And, just as that thought crossed my mind, the Lord dropped my promise into my heart.

Here it is:

Always get back up.


I know I will fall. I know how many times I have fallen. But, I also know a couple of other things.

I know that no matter what my "Fallen and Failed" score is, my "Got Back Up" score is that plus 1. I also know something even bigger, even more certain than that:

"...it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6 

Now, more than ever in my life, I know this to be true. He is with me. He is actively with me, leading, guiding, correcting, providing a way of escape and, yes, helping me get back up when I fall. That is why I can make the promise to always get back up. That is why I know it is unbreakable. Not because I am infallible or have that much determination, but because He has always been that faithful and always will be.

So, because of who He is, I promise myself that I will ALWAYS get back up. No matter what, no matter how many times it takes, no matter how far down I go, I will always, always get back up.

Pinky promise!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The Wrong Way?

(This post is going to be a bit of a rant...you've been warned.)

So, I went to the doctor today. Of course, the subject of my weight-loss came up. The Reader's Digest version of this story is the Doctor basically told me that I've done everything wrong.

I'm losing too much, too fast. I should aim for one pound per week.
I need to eat more calories.
I need to eat more carbs...use the food pyramid as my guide.
I should see a dietician.
I probably should do something more low-impact (i.e. not running).

I left quite a bit miffed. I mean, in the past six months I've changed my life and done what no doctor or medication has been able to accomplish:

I've lost 71 pounds (average 2.5 pounds a week).
I'm eating regular, normal sized meals.
I'm eating actual, proper food, including lots of fruits and veggies.
I'm exercising 6 days a week.
I'm virtually migraine-free.

Did I do so under a doctor's care? No. Actually, none of the doctor's I've seen in the past 15 years have said "boo" about my weight.

Did I follow the food pyramid? No. The carb-heavy food pyramid made me fat and gave me migraines.

Is running the best choice for an obese person. Probably not, but it's what I love and I've tried to be smart about it, getting the right gear and easing in. I've also managed to do it without injuries (so far).

Oh and did I mention, in spite of all this...I'm 70 pounds lighter and virtually migraine free?

The other thing that kinda ticked me off is that this constructive criticism is coming from the same people that prescribe weight loss pills and do weight loss surgery.

Surgery and starvation (because the body can't handle food) giving their patients way faster weight loss than I've experienced. Not to mention so many other unpredictable side-effects and complications.

THAT is more medically advisable than eating real food, cutting out the items that make me sick and exercising regularly?

Really?

I'm sorry Medical Establishment, but I'm not buying that.

I'm going to stick with giving my body what it wants, staying away from what it doesn't, and watch my body shed the pounds it's been storing courtesy of the food that doctors and the government and food manufacturers and marketing people told me to eat. And, y'all can just watch me get healthy...the "wrong" way.

(Thus endeth the rant.)

Monday, August 19, 2013

Who am I?



"This is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.  
...let us rejoice and be glad in it." ~ Psalm 118:23-24

The biggest dilemma I have when attempting to share what is going on in my life right now is talking too much about me. The amazing changes that have happened and are happening do involve me and effect me and often cause me to be all "woo hoo" and/or cry in thankfulness. But, the changes are but a vehicle, I am but a blunt instrument...the real story is not about sticking to a diet or losing weight or even being virtually migraine free. It's just not.

The story is not mine, it is the Lord's. I just get to be part of it.

Surely, I am participating an amazing things are happening to me and in my life. And, yes, I mess up sometimes. My saying "this is the Lord's doing" isn't meant to communicate that I'm some thoughtless, mindless, motiveless drone; it just means that my will to participate comes from something separate from myself...or maybe more accurately, something that has been put in me, given to me. What *I* want to do is sleep late and watch TV all night while I eat nachos and chocolate. When I feel stressed or upset, my first thought is usually about shoving something in my pie hole. Though, very rarely is it pie. Just this evening, I had to talk myself out of going to the store and buying junk. I put on worship music and reasoned with myself until I could sing...and then until I truly worshipped. And, then I cried, because that's how I roll. *I* wanted to eat my feelings, but God... I was brought to my senses and given wisdom in how to respond in a way I wouldn't regret, and more to the point wouldn't be sin, or in other words, in a way that was participating in what God is up to in my life right now instead of acting against it. 

Without that "but, God..." I would be well on my way to a food coma and wake to a hangover tomorrow morning.  No doubt.

The past six months have been filled with countless moments like the one I just described. I can't even list all of the times *I* wanted to choose not to participate...but a way was made, my heart agreed, and my actions followed. THAT is NOT me. It's just not. I didn't get to the place I was 6 months ago (and for about 20 years prior) because I jump at the chance to deny myself and do hard things. My nature is to crave ease and comfort and usually to respond to those cravings in unwise and harmful ways. So, when I say this is not me...I just can't say it more strongly. 

I've started referring to myself recently as Tina 2.0. It's like I've been rebooted...or at least like my program is being re-written. So...Tina 2.0 - Beta. ;)  Every time I am brought to a place where I respond completely contrary to my knee-jerk, every time I choose to do the next right thing, to deny my cravings rather than feed them, to turn to the Lord instead of food or sleep or even a friend I am blown away and humbled.

Which brings me to the real point of this whole story...

No doubt, the last six months have been amazing. My daily routines, my thought life, my emotions, my habits, my speech, and even my fridge look completely different. I've lost about 70 pounds, I've been led and protected and strengthened and seen myself do things I thought were impossible even a few short weeks ago. Yesterday, I ran for five minutes without stopping (for the second time) and got to the end of that interval feeling like I really could have kept going. I mean...for serious?!?! I've had virtually NO migraines, which, I can't even explain how huge that is, but in light of everything else, it's almost like a very small thing. I have to remind myself of how bad it was, how debilitating they were, and how incredible it is that my life is not lived in pain and darkness right now. Truly, if the Lord had done nothing but that, it would have been an amazing gift. But, early on He told me He had so much more for me in and through this than dealing with my migraines, or even making my butt smaller. 

Remembering that always leads me to a very humbling and perspective-giving question...

Each time I am able to run that extra minute or not eat what used to be my favorite food or get up early or have an opportunity to encourage others with the encouragement I've received...I can't even tell you how that feels. On one hand, it feels amazing to experience victory and to be used in someone else's life. But, at the same time, I feel like I couldn't even bow low enough. A few short months ago, I was fit for nothing. I was bitter and lazy and resentful. My prayers were feeble and self-serving...and it wasn't the first time I'd been there in that pit over the course of my 20 years as a Christian. Yet, the Lord was not content to just leave me there in the yuck.  And, that, more than the relief from migraines, more than the weight loss, more than the "woo hoo" moments for no apparent reason...that is the real story for me.

Sunday morning, I got up extra early and had a wonderful run and some quiet time before church. During my reading, the Lord brought to mind the question I mentioned above and then again during the sermon at church when my Pastor read this verse: 


“Who am I, O Lord God...that you have brought me thus far? And yet this was a small thing in your eyes, O Lord God..." ~ 2 Samuel 7:18-19


The question is probably obvious by now; it is "Why? Why would you do this for me, again, Lord?" Why wouldn't He just leave me, give up on me, let me give up on myself? Why, no matter how many times I check out and do my own thing, does He keep rescuing me, rebooting me, and getting me back on track...doing crazy amazing things along the way? Who am I? I am no one. Nothing special. I certainly don't deserve such help and favor. But, He gives it, has given it, over and over and over - above anything I could ask or imagine.

Who am I, indeed.

I don't get it, but I am so thankful that the Lord would give me yet another chance, and set me up to succeed like He has. AND do so many awesome things all up in there, too! There really aren't words to express the mix of emotions I feel when I think about it.

There also aren't words to express my excitement for what is yet to come. Though six months is typically when I crap out, this time I feel like I'm just getting started. And, for the first time ever, I feel like I really will go further than I ever have before. My track record certainly does nothing to encourage this belief, but, thankfully, that is not what I'm looking to for support...



"Who is it who summons us? It is the Lord, the I AM, the same yesterday, and today, and forever. He is with us. This is what matters. This is our reason for confidence." ~ Elisabeth Elliot

My confidence comes from the Lord, the I AM, who will be to me a year from now who He is today. He has proven Himself utterly faithful, infinitely patient and excessively kind. *I* will fail. He will not. *I* will lose focus and falter. He will still have me. *I* will want to give up. He will never give up on me.

“Who am I, O Lord God...that you have brought me thus far?"

I don't know, but I am grateful.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

"All the way the Lord has led you..." so far: An Update


Today is my six-monthiversary!!!


WOO HOO!!!!



Shut up! It's a real thing. ;)



Six months ago, I made one change that led to another and another and another...
The result has been, basically, a 180 in my daily routine, habits, and thought life.

My body looks a bit different, too.

I'm too skinny for my skinny jeans!

I've been anticipating this milestone for weeks and trying to think of how to best sum it up for myself, as well as give adequate testimony to the work the Lord has done, and do so in a way that would serve to encourage or help others who might be looking for that sort of thing from someone such as me. The problem is, the story doesn't really start six months ago and pretty much every area of my life has been effected...so, it's hard not to tell my whole life story or go off on 80 different tangents!

But, yesterday, finally, it kind of just poured out of me. So...here goes!

6 months ago...
  • I snoozed at least 4 times every morning before dragging myself out of bed.
  • No matter how much I slept, I was tired all the time.
  • I had 2-3 migraines a week.
  • I got winded if I walked a tiny bit fast to the car.
  • I could barely bend enough to lace my shoes.
  • I had to squeeze into my desk chair.
  • I needed an extender to buckle my seat belt.
  • The largest size of pants from the plus size store was snug on me.
  • My house was always pretty messy because...
  • I spent almost every night eating my face off while sitting on the sofa.
  • My diet consisted of fast food, junk food and coke zero.
  • I was sad pretty much every day.
  • My time with the Lord was squeezed in and sporadic.
  • I weighed a lot more.

Today...
  • I wake up between 4-4:30 most mornings and generally only snooze once.
  • I'm generally only tired near bedtime.
  • I have only had 4 migraines since February.
  • I do a 30-45 minute run/walk program at least 4 times a week...or about 6 miles per week.
  • I've got a bit of wiggle room in my desk chair.
  • I stopped using the seat belt extender about a month ago.
  • Almost alll of my pants are too big.
  • My house is almost always "clean enough" for random company.
  • I spend my evenings with friends, exercising, and catching up on chores. And, yes, watching a little bit of TV. ;)
  • My diet consists of mostly "real food", i.e., meat, veggies, and fruit.
  • My sad days are fewer and far between and I pretty regularly have random moments where I feel all "WOO HOO!" inside for no apparent reason.
  • My time with the Lord happens first thing in the morning, almost every morning.
  • I am about 70 lbs lighter...or, I lost the equivalent of a 5th grader. 


I should probably be really embarrassed about 85% of what was on those lists, but I'm not. ;)


Back in February, I changed my eating habits. It was the direction I felt like I was given by the Lord to deal with my migraines. At first, the weight loss was just lagniappe. Then, I sort of caught on to what the Lord was up to.

About 2 months in, I was driving home, minding my own business, jamming to some Mandisa, when I felt the Lord say that He was looking to do a deeper work... to set me free from things that have had a firm grip on me for most of my life - fewer migraines and weight loss was lagniappe. It was such a sweet moment. I had these small things in mind - to stop hurting or be a normal size - and God says, "Oh, honey, I have so much more for you than that!"

As you can see from the lists up top, so much has already changed. Yet, I feel like it is just a preview of what's to come...of what the Lord is really up to in this whole thing. Uncharacteristically, I am not trying to figure it all out. I'm just enjoying the ride, at times being moved to tears in gratitude for all He has done so far.

I've also learned a few things along the way and I'd like to share a few of them, if for no other reason than help remind myself when I forget. ;)

Start with one thing...
I know how tempting it can be to try to do a 180 overnight. But, take it from someone who has failed at this whole thing more than she has succeeded...trying to diet and start exercising and generally inject order and health into every area of your life in one fell swoop is a recipe for disaster and discouragement. A juggler doesn't start juggling with 6 balls, he starts with one and goes from there. So, pick one area, rock the crap out of it, then build on the foundation of that success. 

Failure is not optional...
I read something that said "Don't be afraid to fail. It will help you suck less." I really loved that idea. If you never fail it is probably because you never try anything hard or "impossible". Occasional failures just mean that we are striving for something beyond us...something great. Sometimes, we miss. But, sometimes, we don't! The next moment, the next hour, the next meal, the next day is another opportunity to choose to to rock the plan and to generally be awesome. TAKE IT!

I heart running...
No. For real! I do! I'm super slow and can only go for 4 minute stretches before I have to stop and walk a bit. But, I really do love it. It feels like this impossible thing to me. I should not be able to run. My heart should explode. I should blow a knee. I should face plant on the road. But, every time I go out and do it and finish and then go out and do it again, even better than the last time...it just blows my mind. Sometimes, when I finish a particularly hard interval, I cry. True story.

These are the feet of a runner!

At the end of every "fact", there is a "But, God..."
Six months ago, I felt very, hopelessly stuck...and, if I'm honest, kind of forgotten, both by people and by the Lord. I was going through the motions. I was apathetic. I was angry. But, every so often, I'd reach a point where the only response I could muster was to cry out for help. Any kind of help. I don't remember praying for anything specific. I simply asked Him to help, to rescue me, to give me a way out of the sadness. And, if I'm honest, I didn't really believe I'd get an answer. In the moment, my soul cried out, but my heart and mind was kinda like "Psh!" But, in due time, He did answer.

And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. ~ Deuteronomy 8:2 

Some reading this may think...in due time? Um, you're old. You've been fat a long time, girlfriend. What do you mean "in due time?" It looks late to me! All I can say to that is, I'm different this time. My desire for change isn't really about changing my circumstances. I have a vision for this and the future that I have never had before. And, I know I can only say those things because of everything else that has gone before. Though it was long and most of the time I felt like it was a mistake or a waste, it was preparing me for this, right now. It may sound hokey, but it is what it is. I know that the Tina rocking this now is not the same Tina who tried to do this all the other times before. Beyond that, I don't have another answer. I don't know why it took this long. I don't know the point or purpose or ultimate plan. I just know I'm here now and this is happening now because the Lord got me read, has continued to make a way, and give me the little pushes and shoves I've needed all along the way. Which leads me to...


I've been Set up to Succeed...
If I had to sum up this leg of the journey in one phrase it would be "set up to succeed."
I can hardly talk about this part without getting choked up. For serious. It's been amazing. Before this started, I was stuck in this gross swamp of pain and sadness. I had 2-3 migraines a week that kept me home, in the dark, alone. Which, in case you couldn't guess, did nothing to help my emotional state! But, this whole first leg of the journey, I've literally felt the Lord with me the all the way, leading me, protecting me, and providing a way of escape when I am tempted to give up or do something else I'll regret. On top of that, each time I've needed to kick things up a notch, like starting to run or adding strength training, He's made a way. In both instances, I thought about doing those things for weeks until finally that little extra incentive or push to actually do it was dropped in my lap, my hand was lovingly forced and I finally did it. Most recently, there was something I wanted to do, a way I wanted to push myself that I didn't share with anyone...a few days later I had a convo that gave me the carefully crafted incentive I needed to go for it. Each time my mind is blown. I've never felt the Lord so near, so active in my life, ever. It is so humbling and I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. 

And...I'm choked up again.

For the first time in my life, I'm excited about the future.

I'm also excited about this...

Booyah! 

That's me, 6 months ago and me now. The difference is kind of evident on the outside, but I wish y'all could see the difference on the inside! Seriously! The after picture would look like Adam Levine's fiance the day after he proposed!



I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for the next 6 months!!

-t