Who am I?

"This is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.  

...let us rejoice and be glad in it." ~ Psalm 118:23-24

The biggest dilemma I have when attempting to share what is going on in my life right now is talking too much about me. The amazing changes that have happened and are happening do involve me and effect me and often cause me to be all "woo hoo" and/or cry in thankfulness. But, the changes are but a vehicle, I am but a blunt instrument...the real story is not about sticking to a diet or losing weight or even being virtually migraine free. It's just not.

The story is not mine, it is the Lord's. I just get to be part of it.

Surely, I am participating an amazing things are happening to me and in my life. And, yes, I mess up sometimes. My saying "this is the Lord's doing" isn't meant to communicate that I'm some thoughtless, mindless, motiveless drone; it just means that my will to participate comes from something separate from myself...or maybe more accurately, something that has been put in me, given to me. What *I* want to do is sleep late and watch TV all night while I eat nachos and chocolate. When I feel stressed or upset, my first thought is usually about shoving something in my pie hole. Though, very rarely is it pie. Just this evening, I had to talk myself out of going to the store and buying junk. I put on worship music and reasoned with myself until I could sing...and then until I truly worshipped. And, then I cried, because that's how I roll. *I* wanted to eat my feelings, but God... I was brought to my senses and given wisdom in how to respond in a way I wouldn't regret, and more to the point wouldn't be sin, or in other words, in a way that was participating in what God is up to in my life right now instead of acting against it. 

Without that "but, God..." I would be well on my way to a food coma and wake to a hangover tomorrow morning.  No doubt.

The past six months have been filled with countless moments like the one I just described. I can't even list all of the times *I* wanted to choose not to participate...but a way was made, my heart agreed, and my actions followed. THAT is NOT me. It's just not. I didn't get to the place I was 6 months ago (and for about 20 years prior) because I jump at the chance to deny myself and do hard things. My nature is to crave ease and comfort and usually to respond to those cravings in unwise and harmful ways. So, when I say this is not me...I just can't say it more strongly. 

I've started referring to myself recently as Tina 2.0. It's like I've been rebooted...or at least like my program is being re-written. So...Tina 2.0 - Beta. ;)  Every time I am brought to a place where I respond completely contrary to my knee-jerk, every time I choose to do the next right thing, to deny my cravings rather than feed them, to turn to the Lord instead of food or sleep or even a friend I am blown away and humbled.

Which brings me to the real point of this whole story...

No doubt, the last six months have been amazing. My daily routines, my thought life, my emotions, my habits, my speech, and even my fridge look completely different. I've lost about 70 pounds, I've been led and protected and strengthened and seen myself do things I thought were impossible even a few short weeks ago. Yesterday, I ran for five minutes without stopping (for the second time) and got to the end of that interval feeling like I really could have kept going. I mean...for serious?!?! I've had virtually NO migraines, which, I can't even explain how huge that is, but in light of everything else, it's almost like a very small thing. I have to remind myself of how bad it was, how debilitating they were, and how incredible it is that my life is not lived in pain and darkness right now. Truly, if the Lord had done nothing but that, it would have been an amazing gift. But, early on He told me He had so much more for me in and through this than dealing with my migraines, or even making my butt smaller. 

Remembering that always leads me to a very humbling and perspective-giving question...

Each time I am able to run that extra minute or not eat what used to be my favorite food or get up early or have an opportunity to encourage others with the encouragement I've received...I can't even tell you how that feels. On one hand, it feels amazing to experience victory and to be used in someone else's life. But, at the same time, I feel like I couldn't even bow low enough. A few short months ago, I was fit for nothing. I was bitter and lazy and resentful. My prayers were feeble and self-serving...and it wasn't the first time I'd been there in that pit over the course of my 20 years as a Christian. Yet, the Lord was not content to just leave me there in the yuck.  And, that, more than the relief from migraines, more than the weight loss, more than the "woo hoo" moments for no apparent reason...that is the real story for me.

Sunday morning, I got up extra early and had a wonderful run and some quiet time before church. During my reading, the Lord brought to mind the question I mentioned above and then again during the sermon at church when my Pastor read this verse: 

“Who am I, O Lord God...that you have brought me thus far? And yet this was a small thing in your eyes, O Lord God..." ~ 2 Samuel 7:18-19

The question is probably obvious by now; it is "Why? Why would you do this for me, again, Lord?" Why wouldn't He just leave me, give up on me, let me give up on myself? Why, no matter how many times I check out and do my own thing, does He keep rescuing me, rebooting me, and getting me back on track...doing crazy amazing things along the way? Who am I? I am no one. Nothing special. I certainly don't deserve such help and favor. But, He gives it, has given it, over and over and over - above anything I could ask or imagine.

Who am I, indeed.

I don't get it, but I am so thankful that the Lord would give me yet another chance, and set me up to succeed like He has. AND do so many awesome things all up in there, too! There really aren't words to express the mix of emotions I feel when I think about it.

There also aren't words to express my excitement for what is yet to come. Though six months is typically when I crap out, this time I feel like I'm just getting started. And, for the first time ever, I feel like I really will go further than I ever have before. My track record certainly does nothing to encourage this belief, but, thankfully, that is not what I'm looking to for support...

"Who is it who summons us? It is the Lord, the I AM, the same yesterday, and today, and forever. He is with us. This is what matters. This is our reason for confidence." ~ Elisabeth Elliot

My confidence comes from the Lord, the I AM, who will be to me a year from now who He is today. He has proven Himself utterly faithful, infinitely patient and excessively kind. *I* will fail. He will not. *I* will lose focus and falter. He will still have me. *I* will want to give up. He will never give up on me.

“Who am I, O Lord God...that you have brought me thus far?"

I don't know, but I am grateful.