It was the worst of days. It was the best of days.

Ah, Monday. The nemesis of everyone from school children to CEOs. You'd think by now, with all of our technoligical advances and government programs, we'd have figured out a way to defeat it...but, no. It arrives, every week, like a stubborn, greedy bully, ready to beat you senseless and suck the life out of you.

Mondays are not my favorite.

This past Monday pulled out all the stops: I woke up with what I thought was a sinus headache, it wouldn't respond to medication, I missed my workout, and lasted all day. Then, as an added bonus, it turned into a migraine, sent me to bed without supper and kept me down, a moaning, nauseated mess for another 24 hours.

Mondays are sadists, apparently.

Yes, this past Monday turned out to be one of the most miserable 48 hours in recent memory. That recent memory includes a stomach virus, a bout of strep throat and a 2-week earache, so, yeah, it was that bad.

What made the migraine worse was that it was following a string of illnesses (the ones I mentioned above...they all happened within the past 6 weeks!) that interrupted my life and distrupted the routine I'd been working so hard to build. As I lay there, in pain, wanting to puke, unable to rest, I kept thinking about how many runs I've had to miss over the past couple of months, how much faster and further I "should" be running by now, how many times I've succumbed to comfort food because eating a salad when you're sick just seems unnatural. I confess, I got frustrated...and a little bit scared.

Are the wheels coming off?
Am I doing something wrong nutritionally?
Am I going to keep getting sick and revert back to my old ways?
Am I ever really going to beat this?

But, God...

I was reminded of the pinky promise I made to myself.
I was reminded of how far the Lord has brought me over the past 7 months.
I was reminded of all the ways He has kept me in this and helped me get back up when I failed.
And, I came to my senses.

Sickness is going to happen. Migraines are going to happen. Bad days are going to happen. That's just life. The important thing was how I responded to them.

Sure, I could lay there and feel discouraged, like everything that's been done these past 7 months was being undone by a short season of sickness, and console myself with junk food from the corner store or pizza delivered hot and fresh to my door.

That was certainly how this Tina would have responded.

  

 

 

But, I'm not that Tina anymore.


I'm THIS Tina.

This Tina gets back up. This Tina doesn't run to food for comfort. This Tina doesn't wallow. This Tina hopes and trusts and prays and does the next right thing. This Tina practices self-control. This Tina is a runner!

So, as soon as she was able, THIS Tina got her hiney off the couch, ate a healthy dinner and worked out...because that's how this Tina rolls. ;)

What started as one of the most miserable days, ever, ended as one of the best, not because of the circumstantial bits and pieces but because of how I chose to respond to it...because of who I chose to be.

And, I have to say, this Tina is super stoked about that choice.

Pinky Promise

A couple of weeks ago, I watched an episode of "Extreme Weight Loss" for the first time. The host, Chris Powell drew me in from the first minute. His enthusiasm and boundless hope for the people he was working with, it got me excited, both for his clients and for my own journey.

After viewing that episode, I got online and looked Chris up. I was interested to learn a bit more about his method, his ideology, and his diet strategy. One of the first things I read was an article titled "Getting Started on Your Transformation." The first step Chris suggested was to make a promise to yourself. He didn't say what that promise should be, only that it must be an unbreakable promise. A pinky promise, if you will. ;)

That's quite the challenge! An unbreakable promise?

I could promise myself I'd never eat junk again, or that I'd exercise every day, or that I'd stay within my calorie goal no matter what. But, I know those are in no way unbreakable. Anything and everything could get in the way of me keeping those promises. Not only that...I know me. I know that even on my best day, there is that part of me that wants to eat what is not good for me, that wants to veg on the couch or sleep in or cut the run short. Every day, there's that part of me that recounts how long I've been fat, how many times I've failed before, how many times I've lost weight only to gain it back again.

And, just as that thought crossed my mind, the Lord dropped my promise into my heart.

Here it is:

Always get back up.


I know I will fall. I know how many times I have fallen. But, I also know a couple of other things.

I know that no matter what my "Fallen and Failed" score is, my "Got Back Up" score is that plus 1. I also know something even bigger, even more certain than that:

"...it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” ~ Deuteronomy 31:6 

Now, more than ever in my life, I know this to be true. He is with me. He is actively with me, leading, guiding, correcting, providing a way of escape and, yes, helping me get back up when I fall. That is why I can make the promise to always get back up. That is why I know it is unbreakable. Not because I am infallible or have that much determination, but because He has always been that faithful and always will be.

So, because of who He is, I promise myself that I will ALWAYS get back up. No matter what, no matter how many times it takes, no matter how far down I go, I will always, always get back up.

Pinky promise!

The Wrong Way?

(This post is going to be a bit of a rant...you've been warned.)

So, I went to the doctor today. Of course, the subject of my weight-loss came up. The Reader's Digest version of this story is the Doctor basically told me that I've done everything wrong.

I'm losing too much, too fast. I should aim for one pound per week.
I need to eat more calories.
I need to eat more carbs...use the food pyramid as my guide.
I should see a dietician.
I probably should do something more low-impact (i.e. not running).

I left quite a bit miffed. I mean, in the past six months I've changed my life and done what no doctor or medication has been able to accomplish:

I've lost 71 pounds (average 2.5 pounds a week).
I'm eating regular, normal sized meals.
I'm eating actual, proper food, including lots of fruits and veggies.
I'm exercising 6 days a week.
I'm virtually migraine-free.

Did I do so under a doctor's care? No. Actually, none of the doctor's I've seen in the past 15 years have said "boo" about my weight.

Did I follow the food pyramid? No. The carb-heavy food pyramid made me fat and gave me migraines.

Is running the best choice for an obese person. Probably not, but it's what I love and I've tried to be smart about it, getting the right gear and easing in. I've also managed to do it without injuries (so far).

Oh and did I mention, in spite of all this...I'm 70 pounds lighter and virtually migraine free?

The other thing that kinda ticked me off is that this constructive criticism is coming from the same people that prescribe weight loss pills and do weight loss surgery.

Surgery and starvation (because the body can't handle food) giving their patients way faster weight loss than I've experienced. Not to mention so many other unpredictable side-effects and complications.

THAT is more medically advisable than eating real food, cutting out the items that make me sick and exercising regularly?

Really?

I'm sorry Medical Establishment, but I'm not buying that.

I'm going to stick with giving my body what it wants, staying away from what it doesn't, and watch my body shed the pounds it's been storing courtesy of the food that doctors and the government and food manufacturers and marketing people told me to eat. And, y'all can just watch me get healthy...the "wrong" way.

(Thus endeth the rant.)

Who am I?

"This is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.  

...let us rejoice and be glad in it." ~ Psalm 118:23-24

The biggest dilemma I have when attempting to share what is going on in my life right now is talking too much about me. The amazing changes that have happened and are happening do involve me and effect me and often cause me to be all "woo hoo" and/or cry in thankfulness. But, the changes are but a vehicle, I am but a blunt instrument...the real story is not about sticking to a diet or losing weight or even being virtually migraine free. It's just not.

The story is not mine, it is the Lord's. I just get to be part of it.

Surely, I am participating an amazing things are happening to me and in my life. And, yes, I mess up sometimes. My saying "this is the Lord's doing" isn't meant to communicate that I'm some thoughtless, mindless, motiveless drone; it just means that my will to participate comes from something separate from myself...or maybe more accurately, something that has been put in me, given to me. What *I* want to do is sleep late and watch TV all night while I eat nachos and chocolate. When I feel stressed or upset, my first thought is usually about shoving something in my pie hole. Though, very rarely is it pie. Just this evening, I had to talk myself out of going to the store and buying junk. I put on worship music and reasoned with myself until I could sing...and then until I truly worshipped. And, then I cried, because that's how I roll. *I* wanted to eat my feelings, but God... I was brought to my senses and given wisdom in how to respond in a way I wouldn't regret, and more to the point wouldn't be sin, or in other words, in a way that was participating in what God is up to in my life right now instead of acting against it. 

Without that "but, God..." I would be well on my way to a food coma and wake to a hangover tomorrow morning.  No doubt.

The past six months have been filled with countless moments like the one I just described. I can't even list all of the times *I* wanted to choose not to participate...but a way was made, my heart agreed, and my actions followed. THAT is NOT me. It's just not. I didn't get to the place I was 6 months ago (and for about 20 years prior) because I jump at the chance to deny myself and do hard things. My nature is to crave ease and comfort and usually to respond to those cravings in unwise and harmful ways. So, when I say this is not me...I just can't say it more strongly. 

I've started referring to myself recently as Tina 2.0. It's like I've been rebooted...or at least like my program is being re-written. So...Tina 2.0 - Beta. ;)  Every time I am brought to a place where I respond completely contrary to my knee-jerk, every time I choose to do the next right thing, to deny my cravings rather than feed them, to turn to the Lord instead of food or sleep or even a friend I am blown away and humbled.

Which brings me to the real point of this whole story...

No doubt, the last six months have been amazing. My daily routines, my thought life, my emotions, my habits, my speech, and even my fridge look completely different. I've lost about 70 pounds, I've been led and protected and strengthened and seen myself do things I thought were impossible even a few short weeks ago. Yesterday, I ran for five minutes without stopping (for the second time) and got to the end of that interval feeling like I really could have kept going. I mean...for serious?!?! I've had virtually NO migraines, which, I can't even explain how huge that is, but in light of everything else, it's almost like a very small thing. I have to remind myself of how bad it was, how debilitating they were, and how incredible it is that my life is not lived in pain and darkness right now. Truly, if the Lord had done nothing but that, it would have been an amazing gift. But, early on He told me He had so much more for me in and through this than dealing with my migraines, or even making my butt smaller. 

Remembering that always leads me to a very humbling and perspective-giving question...

Each time I am able to run that extra minute or not eat what used to be my favorite food or get up early or have an opportunity to encourage others with the encouragement I've received...I can't even tell you how that feels. On one hand, it feels amazing to experience victory and to be used in someone else's life. But, at the same time, I feel like I couldn't even bow low enough. A few short months ago, I was fit for nothing. I was bitter and lazy and resentful. My prayers were feeble and self-serving...and it wasn't the first time I'd been there in that pit over the course of my 20 years as a Christian. Yet, the Lord was not content to just leave me there in the yuck.  And, that, more than the relief from migraines, more than the weight loss, more than the "woo hoo" moments for no apparent reason...that is the real story for me.

Sunday morning, I got up extra early and had a wonderful run and some quiet time before church. During my reading, the Lord brought to mind the question I mentioned above and then again during the sermon at church when my Pastor read this verse: 

“Who am I, O Lord God...that you have brought me thus far? And yet this was a small thing in your eyes, O Lord God..." ~ 2 Samuel 7:18-19

The question is probably obvious by now; it is "Why? Why would you do this for me, again, Lord?" Why wouldn't He just leave me, give up on me, let me give up on myself? Why, no matter how many times I check out and do my own thing, does He keep rescuing me, rebooting me, and getting me back on track...doing crazy amazing things along the way? Who am I? I am no one. Nothing special. I certainly don't deserve such help and favor. But, He gives it, has given it, over and over and over - above anything I could ask or imagine.

Who am I, indeed.

I don't get it, but I am so thankful that the Lord would give me yet another chance, and set me up to succeed like He has. AND do so many awesome things all up in there, too! There really aren't words to express the mix of emotions I feel when I think about it.

There also aren't words to express my excitement for what is yet to come. Though six months is typically when I crap out, this time I feel like I'm just getting started. And, for the first time ever, I feel like I really will go further than I ever have before. My track record certainly does nothing to encourage this belief, but, thankfully, that is not what I'm looking to for support...

"Who is it who summons us? It is the Lord, the I AM, the same yesterday, and today, and forever. He is with us. This is what matters. This is our reason for confidence." ~ Elisabeth Elliot

My confidence comes from the Lord, the I AM, who will be to me a year from now who He is today. He has proven Himself utterly faithful, infinitely patient and excessively kind. *I* will fail. He will not. *I* will lose focus and falter. He will still have me. *I* will want to give up. He will never give up on me.

“Who am I, O Lord God...that you have brought me thus far?"

I don't know, but I am grateful.

"All the way the Lord has led you..." so far: An Update

Today is my six-monthiversary!!!


WOO HOO!!!!



Shut up! It's a real thing. ;)



Six months ago, I made one change that led to another and another and another...
The result has been, basically, a 180 in my daily routine, habits, and thought life.

My body looks a bit different, too.

I'm too skinny for my skinny jeans!

I've been anticipating this milestone for weeks and trying to think of how to best sum it up for myself, as well as give adequate testimony to the work the Lord has done, and do so in a way that would serve to encourage or help others who might be looking for that sort of thing from someone such as me. The problem is, the story doesn't really start six months ago and pretty much every area of my life has been effected...so, it's hard not to tell my whole life story or go off on 80 different tangents!

But, yesterday, finally, it kind of just poured out of me. So...here goes!

6 months ago...

• I snoozed at least 4 times every morning before dragging myself out of bed.
• No matter how much I slept, I was tired all the time.
• I had 2-3 migraines a week.
• I got winded if I walked a tiny bit fast to the car.
• I could barely bend enough to lace my shoes.
• I had to squeeze into my desk chair.
• I needed an extender to buckle my seat belt.
• The largest size of pants from the plus size store was snug on me.
• My house was always pretty messy because...
• I spent almost every night eating my face off while sitting on the sofa.
• My diet consisted of fast food, junk food and coke zero.
• I was sad pretty much every day.
• My time with the Lord was squeezed in and sporadic.
• I weighed a lot more.

Today...

• I wake up between 4-4:30 most mornings and generally only snooze once.
• I'm generally only tired near bedtime.
• I have only had 4 migraines since February.
• I do a 30-45 minute run/walk program at least 4 times a week...or about 6 miles per week.
• I've got a bit of wiggle room in my desk chair.
• I stopped using the seat belt extender about a month ago.
• Almost alll of my pants are too big.
• My house is almost always "clean enough" for random company.
• I spend my evenings with friends, exercising, and catching up on chores. And, yes, watching a little bit of TV. ;)
• My diet consists of mostly "real food", i.e., meat, veggies, and fruit.
• My sad days are fewer and far between and I pretty regularly have random moments where I feel all "WOO HOO!" inside for no apparent reason.
• My time with the Lord happens first thing in the morning, almost every morning.
• I am about 70 lbs lighter...or, I lost the equivalent of a 5th grader. 

I should probably be really embarrassed about 85% of what was on those lists, but I'm not. ;)

Back in February, I changed my eating habits. It was the direction I felt like I was given by the Lord to deal with my migraines. At first, the weight loss was just lagniappe. Then, I sort of caught on to what the Lord was up to.

About 2 months in, I was driving home, minding my own business, jamming to some Mandisa, when I felt the Lord say that He was looking to do a deeper work... to set me free from things that have had a firm grip on me for most of my life - fewer migraines and weight loss was lagniappe. It was such a sweet moment. I had these small things in mind - to stop hurting or be a normal size - and God says, "Oh, honey, I have so much more for you than that!"

As you can see from the lists up top, so much has already changed. Yet, I feel like it is just a preview of what's to come...of what the Lord is really up to in this whole thing. Uncharacteristically, I am not trying to figure it all out. I'm just enjoying the ride, at times being moved to tears in gratitude for all He has done so far.

I've also learned a few things along the way and I'd like to share a few of them, if for no other reason than help remind myself when I forget. ;)

Start with one thing...
I know how tempting it can be to try to do a 180 overnight. But, take it from someone who has failed at this whole thing more than she has succeeded...trying to diet and start exercising and generally inject order and health into every area of your life in one fell swoop is a recipe for disaster and discouragement. A juggler doesn't start juggling with 6 balls, he starts with one and goes from there. So, pick one area, rock the crap out of it, then build on the foundation of that success. 

Failure is not optional...

I read something that said "Don't be afraid to fail. It will help you suck less." I really loved that idea. If you never fail it is probably because you never try anything hard or "impossible". Occasional failures just mean that we are striving for something beyond us...something great. Sometimes, we miss. But, sometimes, we don't! The next moment, the next hour, the next meal, the next day is another opportunity to choose to to rock the plan and to generally be awesome. TAKE IT!

I heart running...
No. For real! I do! I'm super slow and can only go for 4 minute stretches before I have to stop and walk a bit. But, I really do love it. It feels like this impossible thing to me. I should not be able to run. My heart should explode. I should blow a knee. I should face plant on the road. But, every time I go out and do it and finish and then go out and do it again, even better than the last time...it just blows my mind. Sometimes, when I finish a particularly hard interval, I cry. True story.

These are the feet of a runner!

At the end of every "fact", there is a "But, God..."

Six months ago, I felt very, hopelessly stuck...and, if I'm honest, kind of forgotten, both by people and by the Lord. I was going through the motions. I was apathetic. I was angry. But, every so often, I'd reach a point where the only response I could muster was to cry out for help. Any kind of help. I don't remember praying for anything specific. I simply asked Him to help, to rescue me, to give me a way out of the sadness. And, if I'm honest, I didn't really believe I'd get an answer. In the moment, my soul cried out, but my heart and mind was kinda like "Psh!" But, in due time, He did answer.

And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. ~ Deuteronomy 8:2 

Some reading this may think...in due time? Um, you're old. You've been fat a long time, girlfriend. What do you mean "in due time?" It looks late to me! All I can say to that is, I'm different this time. My desire for change isn't really about changing my circumstances. I have a vision for this and the future that I have never had before. And, I know I can only say those things because of everything else that has gone before. Though it was long and most of the time I felt like it was a mistake or a waste, it was preparing me for this, right now. It may sound hokey, but it is what it is. I know that the Tina rocking this now is not the same Tina who tried to do this all the other times before. Beyond that, I don't have another answer. I don't know why it took this long. I don't know the point or purpose or ultimate plan. I just know I'm here now and this is happening now because the Lord got me read, has continued to make a way, and give me the little pushes and shoves I've needed all along the way. Which leads me to...

I've been Set up to Succeed...

If I had to sum up this leg of the journey in one phrase it would be "set up to succeed."

I can hardly talk about this part without getting choked up. For serious. It's been amazing. Before this started, I was stuck in this gross swamp of pain and sadness. I had 2-3 migraines a week that kept me home, in the dark, alone. Which, in case you couldn't guess, did nothing to help my emotional state! But, this whole first leg of the journey, I've literally felt the Lord with me the all the way, leading me, protecting me, and providing a way of escape when I am tempted to give up or do something else I'll regret. On top of that, each time I've needed to kick things up a notch, like starting to run or adding strength training, He's made a way. In both instances, I thought about doing those things for weeks until finally that little extra incentive or push to actually do it was dropped in my lap, my hand was lovingly forced and I finally did it. Most recently, there was something I wanted to do, a way I wanted to push myself that I didn't share with anyone...a few days later I had a convo that gave me the carefully crafted incentive I needed to go for it. Each time my mind is blown. I've never felt the Lord so near, so active in my life, ever. It is so humbling and I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. 

And...I'm choked up again.

For the first time in my life, I'm excited about the future.

I'm also excited about this...

Booyah! 

That's me, 6 months ago and me now. The difference is kind of evident on the outside, but I wish y'all could see the difference on the inside! Seriously! The after picture would look like Adam Levine's fiance the day after he proposed!

I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for the next 6 months!!

-t

Taste and See that the Lord is Good...with bonus Mediterranean Lettuce Wraps

"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!" ~ Psalm 34:8

Today, for the first time in my life, I heard this verse differently. Originally, I thought it was just a sweet metaphor about how good God is...as good as something yummy tastes. But, today, I heard it this way:

"Obey and see that the Lord is good and blesses those who take refuge in him!"

Taste, at least to my reading, can be seen as a command to "eat". You can't taste something without picking it up and putting it to your mouth. Tasting requires action. In this instance, tasting requires obedience.

Obedience helps us see the goodness of God in our weakness, in difficult circumstances, and in walking away from our sin.

For the past several months, I've been tasting more and more of the goodness of God...actively obeying in regards to my eating habits. Hence, why this verse was on my mind.

Like any change, it has it's ebbs and flows. Some days, I am more inclined to "taste" than others.  But, what I've learned is, every taste has indeed come with blessing and helped taking the next taste a bit easier.

Today was kind of an uphill climb from the word "go". Those days usually lead to making bad choices at some point before the end of the day (read: fast food). Today, though, I rushed home, did not stop at a fast food place, and instead whipped up this quick and easy recipe.

I know most devotional type blogs don't normally have recipes attached, but today, I feel like in this instance, since  it is appropriate. A little practical help and extra incentive to "taste" what is good. :)


Mediterranean Lettuce Wraps

Ingredients:
15-20 Pre-cooked Chicken Strips
1 lg red bell pepper, sliced
1/2 medium red onion, sliced
12-15 Kalamata olives, halved
Olive Oil
Balsamic Vinegarette
Greek Seasoning
Hummus
Romaine Lettuce Leaves

Heat olive oil in a skillet then add chicken. After it is cooked through but not completely browned, add Greek seasoning, then add in sliced peppers and onions. Just before veggies are tender (about 3-5 minutes), add in olives. Toss with a bit of pepper and cook for another minute or two.





























Serve with lettuce, hummus and a few extra red peppers to scoop up whatever is left of the hummus later. :)





























Pile some of the yumminess on a lettuce leaf and enjoy.

YUM! Quick, super easy and healthy!

My first ever DIY post: Easy Restoration Hardware Stain

I don't normally post DIY information on my blog, but this worked out too well not to share.

For the past year or so, I've been on the hunt for a larger kitchen table...one that would allow me to eat meals with my nieces and nephews when they were over, as opposed to watching them eat while i lean against the kitchen counter.

A couple of weeks ago, some friends of mine were giving away a pedestal table that would accomodate us all...they even offered to deliver it!

I did a happy dance.

Kiddos breaking in my new-to-me table.

There were two small problems with the table, though:
1. There were only four chairs, so I'd need to buy two more. No problem. I'd just have to shop around and find something I loved...after I solved problem #2, of course.
2. The table was in desperate need of refinishing. You can't really tell from my before photo, but the finish was a mess from years of little kiddos being little kiddos...and their grimey fingers. ;)

I pretty much knew I didn't want your standard stain. No cherry or walnut or honey oak for me. I wanted something that looked like it belonged on an old farmhouse table or was made from reclaimed wood...in other words, I wanted my old, second-hand table to look like it could have come from Restoration Hardware.

So, I did what anyone else would have done...I got on Pinterest. There I found tons of posts about how to achieve various Restoration Hardware type stains. The stain I was particularly fond of was "french gray".

Restoration Hardware "French Gray".

According to Pinterest, this look required lots of stripping, stain, chalk paint and a glaze. This girl thought, "Um, yeah, I don't think so. There's got to be an easier way."

I'll spare you the story of all of my web searching and deliberation and shopping and just cut to the chase: There actually IS an easier way!

Here it is:

The easier way. :)

First, obviously, prepare your wood. My brother sanded the table with 80 grit and 120 grit. After we cleaned it, I applied a coat of wood conditioner. Then, I mixed 1 part "Sunbleached" to 4-5 parts "Golden Oak" (the exact ratio depends on the wood you're working on...I was using pine). Do a test patch before you stain the whole table to make sure you have the right ratio for your wood.

Apply your special mix in 4 inch sections and wipe excess off after 30 seconds to 1 minute. Once you've applied the first coat, let it sit for about 15 minutes then apply a second coat in the same way you applied the first. Let that sit for about 15 minutes, too. If you love the color, you're done. If it's not quite there, add one more coat. I was happy with mine after two coats.

This particular stain requires one hour to set. After that time, you can either leave the wood as is, apply a polyurethane of your choice or a thin coat of wax. Restoration Hardware has a more "raw wood" kind of look, so I opted against using poly.

If you're nervous about mixing stain, you could also use this optional two-step method:

1. Apply a thin coat of "Sunbleached" to the entire table. Wipe excess quickly.
2. Apply a thin coat of "Golden Oak" to the entire table. Wipe excess after about 30 seconds - 1 minute.

I used this method on a test patch before i got the brilliant idea to mix the stains for a one-step application. The color was just as nice both ways.

I really wanted to stain the whole table, but I thought if I asked my brother to sand the curvy pedestal for me, he'd just walk away and leave me on my own...but, I am still super pleased with how it turned out. And, as you can see from the photo, I still need to find two more chairs. :)

The finished product, minus two more chairs.

I also have to resist the urge to stain everything in my house!

Like a flood...

When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him. (Isaiah 59:19b)

So, remember how I went on and on about how easy this whole obedience thing had been? How I hadn't experienced any temptation or cravings for the junk that I ate before? How I felt awesome and hadn't suffered any migraines? How everything was rainbows and puppy dogs in my world? Well...

The day I wrote my last post, something happened. I was driving home, jammin' to some Mandisa, minding my own business when the Lord spoke to me. Now, I'm not one of those people that says that all the time.  I can count, perhaps, 5-6 times in my entire 18 year walk that I would say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God spoke to me. I mean, aside from my interaction with his Word, i.e., scripture. What I'm talking about is God coming in and communicating something to my heart and mind in a very tangible, meaningful, world-rocking kind of way...a way that can't be ignored or disobeyed or dismissed or confused with my own thoughts/emotions.

So, as I was driving home across a bridge I generally hold my breath to cross, God showed up and took my breath away. He showed me that, while I had been obedient and been given victory in this one area, He had a bigger end-game in mind. He wanted to do a deeper work. Then, he immediately pointed out one or two things that needed to change immediately in order for me to move forward and in the direction He desired for me to go. My core body temperature increased by a good 10 degrees, the hair on my arms stood on end, and the tears...oh, the tears. They lasted a good 15 minutes. They are forming now as I go back to that moment in my mind. They were good tears...grateful tears. How kind of God to show me that He is with me, in this, and wants to do something in me, for me, that is even bigger than what I hoped.

In case you're wondering, He didn't tell me what that something bigger/deeper is...just knowing that this whole changing my life thing is His deal is enough for me.

The moment was so beautiful, so powerful, so humbling, so encouraging, I couldn't help but tearing up as I thought about it over the next day or two.

The next day, the flood came in.

I had a plan. I was due for an upgrade on my phone and was going to head straight to the phone store after work and get a new phone. Everything went wrong at the store and I wasn't able to get it done without first going home and taking care of something first. So, I drove home...ticked...yet, also realizing how stupid it was to be ticked about something like this. I also REALLY wanted nachos! The more frustrated I got, the more I wanted to shove something not good for me in my mouth. Thankfully, what I had to do at home didn't take long and I was able to get back to the store and handle my upgrade before it closed. But I spent the next two days fighting cravings. Where before candy aisles and fast food signs didn't phase me, now they made me drool and my body literally yearn for their offerings. It was nuts!

I'd like to say I made it through my first Cravapalooza unscathed, but, sadly, that was not the case.

The weekend after God spoke and the cravings started, I had to photograph a wedding. I was "on the job" for 9 hours (between shooting and driving). Even the most wonderful wedding is stressful for me. I want to produce magazine quality images for my couples on my shoestring equipment and limited talent. I put a lot of pressure on myself, while also trying to be a source of calm and encouragement for the bride and groom. Plus, I'm on my feet all day and don't have time to eat or even go to the potty. All that to say, by the end of the night, I was beat and wanted a "drink". For me, that means "Coke Zero". So, on the way home I stopped at Wendy's for a large.

I woke up very early the next morning with a migraine.

Now, I don't know if it was that my body had gotten accustomed to being without artificial sweeteners and reacted to the overdose or if they gave me real Coke instead, regardless, the migraine lasted all day. Shortly after mid day, I was hungry and realized I hadn't eaten yet that day. However, the thought of getting up and cooking was just too much for me to handle. So...

I ordered pizza.

I inhaled my first slice. I took a bit more time with the second. When I got to the third, I sort of came to my senses and realized I needed to slow down. This was just a meal. It was not a drug. It was not comfort. It was not medicine that would help me feel better and make my migraine go away.  More than that, it was made up of many things that have historically given me migraines, made me fat, caused me to feel sick and tired. So, I finished the slice, felt satisfied, and promptly threw the rest in the trash. As I drank a big glass of water, I reminded myself that it was just a meal. It was one choice and I'd have another to make when the next meal time rolled around. I prayed that I would make a good choice and moved on.

"In those days Judah will be saved, and Jerusalem will dwell securely. And this is the name by which it will be called: ‘The LORD is our righteousness.’" (Jeremiah 33:16 ESV) 

While the pizza incident is regrettable, it was a valuable reminder that this fight isn't really mine. Obviously, I will make choices and sometimes they will be the wrong ones, but ultimately it is God who will do this work. Seeing God's true end game in this journey is not solely dependent on my goodness, my ability to obey, my willpower...it is dependent on and guaranteed by His goodness, His power and His promises. It is His righteousness that  I need to make it to the end and His righteousness, I pray will be most evident to everyone when I get there.

Hopefully...
t

  

Monthiversary...

Happy Monthiversary to me!

It's my One Monthiversary!! The perfect time to look back and see all the way the Lord has led me, thus far...

One month and two days ago, I had an 18 hour migraine. I woke up with it, worked through it, and went to bed with it. I cried twice at my desk. I was depressed, overly emotional (even for me) and had Popeye's for dinner because it was what seemed most comforting at that moment.

This was not an atypical day for me. I had days like this at least once a week, if not more. My weeks were also typically peppered with at least one migraine I couldn't muscle through and one or two others that were not as long-lasting. Eating what seemed most comforting in the moment was a daily thing and my selections generally rotated between Popeye's, McDonald's, pizza, or nachos. The depression had been creeping up on me for a while and often led to entire days spent on the sofa or in bed. It also led to me sighing...a lot.

On a typical weekday, my food diary might look something like this:

Breakfast: coffee with heavy whipping cream, 1 piece of country sausage, 2 packets of instant grits (I'd leave out the grits if I was trying to be "good".)
Snack: 2 servings of cheez-its and a coke zero (or peanuts if I was trying to be "good")
Lunch: Healthy Choice frozen entree (on a good day) or a double Whopper with extra mayo (on a bad day) and a coke zero
Snack: Chips or nuts maybe with a little candy and a coke zero
Dinner: 4 slices of pizza or a 3 piece from Popeye's with a large red beans and a coke zero
Snack (because, even after all that, I was still craving food): chips and candy or ice cream from the corner store and another coke zero.

Fast-forward 32 days...
Now, my typical weekday food diary looks something like this:

Breakfast: coffee with a little organic half & half, greek yogurt with berries
Snack: a piece of fruit
Lunch: Leftovers from whatever I made for dinner the night before. Usually,  some combo of lean, organic meat and fresh veggies (unless it's Meatless Monday...which I invented, by the way...but more on that later.) and a coke zero (only if I go to my Mom's)
Snack: Carrots or peppers with hummus
Dinner: Some combo of meat and veg (my favorites these days are beef fajita or Mediterranean chicken lettuce wraps, shrimp stir-fry, and rotisserie chicken with sweet potato and broccoli)
Snack (only if I'm hungry): a piece of fruit

I've only had one migraine in the past month and that was on a day I made a bad choice for lunch. I've had 3 other headaches that were either sinus or food-related (from not eating on time or not eating enough). They didn't last very long and didn't impede my day at all.  I haven't had any Popeye's, have only eaten "off plan" once (the day I got the migraine...it was sushi, in case you were wondering), and haven't had one single craving for the junk I used to eat before. The depression has lifted and I've only cried at my desk once (it was a rough day). My sighing has also diminished.

Down 21 pounds?
Winning!

Oh, and did I mention, I've lost 21 lbs?


Twenty one...

TWO - ONE pounds in 30 days.

Yep...that happened!

The negative pounds are very exciting, even though no one but me can even really tell I've lost weight. I notice some difference in my clothes, but, it will probably take another -20 before the general public will start to say "Hey, have you lost weight?" And, that's ok. The big change, the one that really,  truly matters and the one that will help keep me going for the long haul is something that can't be measured on a scale or validated by buying jeans a size smaller. That something is the feeling of freedom.

Scripture says,

    For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1 ESV)

 It seems like a simple, easy-to-follow instruction..."I've given you freedom. Be free." But, at least in my life, I find I choose slavery more often. I think I am being free by choosing what I feel, what I crave, what I tell myself I need, when all I'm really doing is turning the key in the lock of my cell. Then, I get so comfortable in there that I convince myself that it's normal, it's ok, it's justifiable, it's just how life goes, it doesn't matter.

But, it really does.

Being just on the outside of that cell door now, I can tell you, there is not one bit of self-indulgence, not one bite of anything, not one pity party, not one nap, not one choice I made in the name of comfort that was contrary to what my spirit and heart and mind knew was the "next right thing" that left me feeling like I do right now.

Not. One.

So, now that I've stepped into the freedom that's been mine all along, what's the next step? I mean, other than just to keep going for the next however long it takes me to get all this extra weight off. It's that thing that has always been the hardest for me. That thing I never think I have time for. That thing that requires a bit more effort than just shopping a different way.

That thing is...

 Exercise!

I'll be starting next week. :)

Hopefully...
t

Another year...

Tomorrow, I turn 41.

Forty plus a whole 'nother year. Another year of this...my Plan Z life. Another year of sitting at a desk instead of making a home. Another year of longing unfulfilled. Another year of temptation to ask "why?" and another year of trying not to. Another year with lots of sighs, heart aches, choking back tears and way too much redecorating.

But, it's also been a year of seeing God as faithful even when I don't get my way. Another year of learning what it is to lean even more on the everlasting arms. Another year of finding a refuge in Him when those tears just won't be choked back. Another year of learning that He truly is a very present help. Another year of choosing Hope over all else.

Hope not in my plan, not that "someday my prince will come" or that I'll get to know what it feels like to fall in love (and have that love returned) to carry and birth a child, to make a life, a family, a home with someone God sent just for me...but in something that is constant, unchanging, guaranteed and won't ever be taken away. Hope in God's love for me, in God's plan for me, in God's faithfulness to me, in God's unrelenting, untiring, undeniable care for me.

No matter how sad I get, how far I wander, how many times I make the same mistakes over and over again...God has proved Himself faithful. He has never just left me in my mess, in my grief, in my disobedience. He has always, always, rescued me and set me on the right path...again...and again. He has always given me what I needed, when I needed it. He has been true, even when I have faithlessly chased after my plan or been ungrateful for his provision.

Tomorrow, I turn 41.

Forty plus a whole 'nother year of evidences of God's kindness, of proving His promises and reasons to say:

The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. (Psalm 28:7)

Happy day...

There are a few days of the year that are not my favorites:

1. New Years Eve
2. Valentine's Day
3. Election Day (really just since the advent of Facebook)
4. Brake Tag renewal day
5. The day before trash day
6. My birthday

I don't know if it's just because I'm too old to get angsty now or if it's this season of hope and change, but I'm actually not hating the idea of having a birthday this year. Now, that doesn't mean I want a big party or anything. No...me and birthday parties are not friends. People try to have them for me and 3 people show up. It's sad. But, I was thinking it might be fun to find another way to celebrate that, um, I'm not dead yet and that, for the time being, I don't feel completely doomed to misery.

Here's what I came up with:

1. Give 41 hugs on my birthday. This shouldn't be too hard considering I have church Sunday...and we have a little over 41 people there most weeks. ;)
I love hugs. And, I've been told I'm a pretty good hugger. So, this should be super fun for everyone. Unless I try to hug someone who doesn't believe in hugs or touching women who are not married to him or something...then it will just be awkward.

2. 10 Random Acts of Kindness (since my birthday is on the 10th). I could make up a list of ideas or just see what the Lord puts in front of me. I heart lists almost as much as I heart spontaneity, so it's a toss up. If you have any ideas for some super fun or meaningful random acts, please feel free to post them in the comments. I'd love to hear your suggestions!

Who knows, I might just enjoy my birthday after all...and maybe even make a friend or two.

Hopefully...
t

The rest of the story...

Discerning readers, or at least discerning readers who know me at all, may have noticed a gaping hole in my previous post.

This post is me, planting a tree in that hole.

Confused? Good...read on. ;)


Whenever someone has any degree of success in quitting a bad habit or sticking to a diet or maintaining an exercise routine or switching to decaf, the response they typically get from others is "I wish I had your willpower!" In case you are tempted to think the same thing about me after reading my previous post...don't. I have the opposite of willpower. This should patently obvious to anyone who knows me or has seen me, for that matter. If I could sum up the state of my willpower in an internet meme, it'd be this one:

True story.

Me doing this and it working now is not just about me making a choice or being sick and tired of being sick and tired or even about good old fashioned gumption, just like the point of this journey isn't just about getting healthy, stopping my migraines and losing weight (more on that later).

Me, doing this and it working this time is fruit.

What do I mean?
Let me explain.

Fruit doesn't just appear randomly, unconnected to anything else, neither does it appear by shear force of will. Fruit is grown as a result of planting a seed, which is then exposed to the proper amounts of water and sunlight. If it manages to survive wind and drought and pests, that seed becomes a tree, which then matures, going through seasons of blossoming and barrenness, until, finally, it gives birth to beautiful fruit. In short, fruit is borne through a combination of effort and providence.

Fruit...on a tree...not materializing out of thin air. ;)

So, I say again, me doing this and it working now is fruit.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've dieted...and failed...a lot over the past 25 years. I've done Weight Watchers, Richard Simmon's Deal a Meal, the Cabbage Soup Diet, Slim Fast, Atkins and random diets my mom found in women's magazines. Most of the time, my attempt was rooted in nothing more than vanity or self-loathing. Those roots usually held for about 2 weeks, and then gave way. Each time, I went right back to how I'd lived before, each time feeling more certain that I was just doomed, stuck in "this" forever. But, each failure, each lesson learned, each victory that showed me what was possible, and each time I was able to start again after failure (even though some times that starting again only lasted a day) led me here, prepared me for now, was the water and sun and protection and nutrients this fruit needed to grow and ripen become ready for harvest.

Tired of the fruit analogy? Ok, I'll speak plainly.

“Agree with God, and be at peace; thereby good will come to you." (Job 22:21)

There really has only been two other times that my attempts to lose weight had any real degree of success. The first time was about 7 years ago. I lost 100 lbs over the course of a year eating low carb. I did not exercise or count calories, I simply cut out "white stuff". The second time, I counted calories and exercised 3-5 times a week. I lost 50 lbs in 6 months. During that time, I discovered that fat girls can run...and I loved it. Though my methods were very different each time, they did have two tings in common:

1. They started with repentance...or agreeing with God.
2. They ended with disobedience.

True story.

See, I've found that there really is only one way to get "here". That way is to "agree with God". I don’t know why, but that is really the hardest step, harder than giving up my favorite treat or getting up early to go for a walk. Agreeing requires me to acknowledge that I made something that wasn't good for me, that was sin, that was disobedience a justifiable option in my life. My response to that agreement is then to take a step in the opposite direction.

For we walk by faith, not by sight.—So we do not lose heart. (2 Corinthians 5:7, 2 Corinthians 4:16)

I found I could manage to address the symptoms of my issue (i.e. finding ways to lose weight or treat migraines) on my own feeble willpower for a while…but only for a while. I did this by convincing myself my problem was something other than what it really was and looking for some “new” trick or gimmick promising change. But, I just ended up back where I started, if not worse off. I don’t believe mine was a unique experience. I believe this is true of pretty much everyone battling sin (or whatever other name you want to give it). The stats for the addiction treatment and weight-loss industries bear this out as truth. The only thing that has ever worked in my life has been agreeing and responding appropriately to that agreement. Mental assent alone won’t cut it. Hoping I somehow wake up tomorrow and just do everything right won’t get me there. God calls us to love him with our heart and soul and mind. To find true change, our agreement needs to put feet to that love and walk in it, by faith, trusting that God will meet us there with what we need to take more steps and not lose heart.

So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.” (Genesis 16:13)

The promise of God to bring peace and good when I agree has been borne out in my life so many times, even in little daily choices. Now, by God's grace and mercy, I am seeing it borne out a third time in the specific area of my weight/health. This change should be harder than it has been. I should be tempted to cheat more. I should be rabid for nachos right about now. I'm not.

But, to be annoyingly clear, I do not credit this ease to my own willpower (see fat cat photo, above) or to my plan being the "right" one. I credit it to being looked after, in the midst of my self-indulgence and stubbornness and disobedience, to being prepared to agree with God...to the point that reaching up and grabbing that big, beautiful fruit was the only choice I wanted to make.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. (Psalm 62:5)

Over the past 6 months, I did become sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I did yearn for change. I did try, every week, to make a plan of my own and stick to it. And, more and more as time went on and each week brought fresh failure, I began to cry out to God for help, for change, for anything...anything at all so long as it wasn't saying where I was, feeling like I was, living how I was. And, I waited. And, God answered. And, I agreed. And, God gave fruit...the first of what I believe will be a plentiful harvest.

Hopefully...
t

p.s. All of the verses quoted in this post were part of my daily reading over the month prior to my agreeing.

It starts...

What is it about birthdays and holidays that cause us to evaluate our lives? I know it's not just me. Valentine's Day causes single people to examine their past relationship/life choices, Thanksgiving and Christmas cause people to think more about family and priorities, and January 2nd marks the busiest day of the year for the diet and exercise industry. There is just something about these annual milestones that cause us to look back, take stock, and think of a day, one year in the future when things will be different, things will be better, things will have (hopefully) changed.

One month before my 41st birthday, I found myself postured in much the same way. After being overweight for most of my life and suffering from chronic migraines for half my life - and facing another birthday, single, very much alone, childless, and, frankly, afraid of life most of the time - I mustered up just enough hope to try to change...again.

Me...hoping.

I want to say this time felt different; this time I knew it was going to work; this time I knew I'd see it through to the end. But, I didn't. Like all of the other times before, when I failed or I gave up part way there, all I had was some information, a plan, and just enough hope to try to change...again.

So, on a Wednesday, after suffering through an 18 hour migraine, I decided to give it one more try. I took information from my past experiences and some that I'd gathered through research on food manufacturing and nutrition as medicine and formulated a plan. It was pretty simple:

1. Scratch the sugar - If I'd learned one thing for certain over the past 20 years of fighting losing battles against my weight and my migraines, it was this: my body no likely the sugar...or anything that turned into sugar after I ate it. So, candy, cake, chips, breads, Kraft Mac & Cheese, gravy, fried chicken skin and southwestern cheese fries (i.e. the staples of my diet) were out.

2. Focus on fresh - When I wasn't thinking about dealing with my health, my diet was (as you see above) completely devoid of fresh fruits and vegetables...unless you count the wilted lettuce and mealy tomato that Mikey D's and BK put on their double patty burgers or the apples in Popeye's cinnamon apple pie. So, my goal was to make fruits and vegetables the main event at every meal. My reasoning was this: Obviously, something that is naturally grown is better for you than something manufactured...or any food that is passed to you through a window and eaten in your car, for that matter. Plus, fresh produce is lower in calories and way more nutrient rich than the aforementioned "food". Another plus, fresh produce has never caused me to slip into a food coma or get a migraine, so...win/win.

3. Minimize the meat - Now, before you feel judged or faint in shock I don't have any intention of becoming a vegetarian or a vegan. I loves me some meat and do not think it is unhealthy or even unethical for us to eat animal products (provided it is raised responsibly). Man has survived and thrived as an omnivore for centuries (well, before we started processing and pumping preservatives into our food, that is). However, to make item #2 work (i.e. eat more fruit & veg), the meat had to take up less space on my plate. The truth is, I was probably consuming, on average, 2 to 3 times the amount of meat I actually needed at each meal. Cutting back would not only make more room for veggies and fruits, but would also significantly cut calories, so, again...win/win.

4. Deal with dairy - I've read a lot on the evils of dairy and, much like the whole meat issue, I don't really see a problem with it (provided it is organic and not full of fillers and chemicals and things that probably shouldn't be ingested). But, also like meat, dairy is typically high in calories and fat, so keeping this to a minimum is probably not a bad idea.

5. Ease into Exercise - I live a sedentary life. I spend 9 hours a day in a desk chair at work, then most of the evening on my sofa watching TV and/or working on my 2nd job. Being the size I am, and considering the fact that I'm not on a reality show, I knew that there was no way I could go from where I was to exercising as much as I needed to. So, I gave myself one month to get my eating habits solid and more routine (and also lose some weight), after that I'd start a run-walk program accompanied by some strength training.

That's it. That was the plan.

Armed with this and a list (which I miraculously remembered to take with me instead of leaving it on my desk or in my car), I ventured into a place I never thought I would: 

Whole Foods.

Whole Foods!!! Ahhhh!

I confess, I was one of those people that rolled my eyes and looked down my nose at people who shopped exclusively at Whole Foods (meaning they went in there for more than the Chantilly Cake). I thought it was the grocery equivalent of designer jeans or ridiculous shoes you only wear for one hour, once a year. I didn't think the food was better, or better for you. I thought it was a fad, a status symbol, a place for snobs and hippies and conspiracy theorists an snobs (yes, I know i already said that).

Before that Wednesday after the 18-hour migraine, I'd watched a bunch of documentaries on food production and health and nutrition and decided organic food probably really was better than regular food. But, in my city, you can only buy organic at one store. You guessed it...that store is Whole Foods (aaaahhhh!!!).

So, being as I had no choice, I swallowed my middle-class righteous indignation, told myself as long as I really wasn't a snob it didn't matter where I shopped, took a deep breath, brought one of my brothers for emotional support and ventured in. Without a fancy re-usable grocery bag. 

The next day, I still went to my dead-end job, talked to friends, wore my off-brand clothes, loved my family, washed my own dishes and used my outdated phone. I didn't rush out and buy a pair of Birkenstocks or Louboutins. I just had lots of natural, healthy, chemical free food to eat, that I then had to cook and eat at home, like our our ancestors did, instead of in my car as I drove around the city. 

This, I'm told, is called "food". You can't get it at the drive-thru.

Whew! Crisis averted.

A little over two weeks later, I was down 16 lbs, wearing jeans I hadn't been able to get in for almost a year, and migraine free.

So far, I've learned a lot, tried a few things, made a few mistakes and felt better than I have in a really, really long time. No matter what my previous positions were on nutrition and food choices, or hippies, or snobs, you really can't argue with those results.

I'll be blogging my experience, what I'm learning, mistakes I'm making, and (hopefully) little victories I'm achieving all along the way. Factoring in my size, what the AMA says I should weigh and the fact that science says it is almost impossible for women over 40 to lose weight...this blog should continue for at least the next 53 years. So...grab a (healthy) snack and strap in, folks. It's gonna be a long, probably not totally boring, ride.

Hopefully,
t