Like a flood...

When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him. (Isaiah 59:19b)

So, remember how I went on and on about how easy this whole obedience thing had been? How I hadn't experienced any temptation or cravings for the junk that I ate before? How I felt awesome and hadn't suffered any migraines? How everything was rainbows and puppy dogs in my world? Well...

The day I wrote my last post, something happened. I was driving home, jammin' to some Mandisa, minding my own business when the Lord spoke to me. Now, I'm not one of those people that says that all the time.  I can count, perhaps, 5-6 times in my entire 18 year walk that I would say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God spoke to me. I mean, aside from my interaction with his Word, i.e., scripture. What I'm talking about is God coming in and communicating something to my heart and mind in a very tangible, meaningful, world-rocking kind of way...a way that can't be ignored or disobeyed or dismissed or confused with my own thoughts/emotions.

So, as I was driving home across a bridge I generally hold my breath to cross, God showed up and took my breath away. He showed me that, while I had been obedient and been given victory in this one area, He had a bigger end-game in mind. He wanted to do a deeper work. Then, he immediately pointed out one or two things that needed to change immediately in order for me to move forward and in the direction He desired for me to go. My core body temperature increased by a good 10 degrees, the hair on my arms stood on end, and the tears...oh, the tears. They lasted a good 15 minutes. They are forming now as I go back to that moment in my mind. They were good tears...grateful tears. How kind of God to show me that He is with me, in this, and wants to do something in me, for me, that is even bigger than what I hoped.

In case you're wondering, He didn't tell me what that something bigger/deeper is...just knowing that this whole changing my life thing is His deal is enough for me.

The moment was so beautiful, so powerful, so humbling, so encouraging, I couldn't help but tearing up as I thought about it over the next day or two.

The next day, the flood came in.

I had a plan. I was due for an upgrade on my phone and was going to head straight to the phone store after work and get a new phone. Everything went wrong at the store and I wasn't able to get it done without first going home and taking care of something first. So, I drove home...ticked...yet, also realizing how stupid it was to be ticked about something like this. I also REALLY wanted nachos! The more frustrated I got, the more I wanted to shove something not good for me in my mouth. Thankfully, what I had to do at home didn't take long and I was able to get back to the store and handle my upgrade before it closed. But I spent the next two days fighting cravings. Where before candy aisles and fast food signs didn't phase me, now they made me drool and my body literally yearn for their offerings. It was nuts!

I'd like to say I made it through my first Cravapalooza unscathed, but, sadly, that was not the case.

The weekend after God spoke and the cravings started, I had to photograph a wedding. I was "on the job" for 9 hours (between shooting and driving). Even the most wonderful wedding is stressful for me. I want to produce magazine quality images for my couples on my shoestring equipment and limited talent. I put a lot of pressure on myself, while also trying to be a source of calm and encouragement for the bride and groom. Plus, I'm on my feet all day and don't have time to eat or even go to the potty. All that to say, by the end of the night, I was beat and wanted a "drink". For me, that means "Coke Zero". So, on the way home I stopped at Wendy's for a large.

I woke up very early the next morning with a migraine.

Now, I don't know if it was that my body had gotten accustomed to being without artificial sweeteners and reacted to the overdose or if they gave me real Coke instead, regardless, the migraine lasted all day. Shortly after mid day, I was hungry and realized I hadn't eaten yet that day. However, the thought of getting up and cooking was just too much for me to handle. So...

I ordered pizza.

I inhaled my first slice. I took a bit more time with the second. When I got to the third, I sort of came to my senses and realized I needed to slow down. This was just a meal. It was not a drug. It was not comfort. It was not medicine that would help me feel better and make my migraine go away.  More than that, it was made up of many things that have historically given me migraines, made me fat, caused me to feel sick and tired. So, I finished the slice, felt satisfied, and promptly threw the rest in the trash. As I drank a big glass of water, I reminded myself that it was just a meal. It was one choice and I'd have another to make when the next meal time rolled around. I prayed that I would make a good choice and moved on.

"In those days Judah will be saved, and Jerusalem will dwell securely. And this is the name by which it will be called: ‘The LORD is our righteousness.’" (Jeremiah 33:16 ESV) 

While the pizza incident is regrettable, it was a valuable reminder that this fight isn't really mine. Obviously, I will make choices and sometimes they will be the wrong ones, but ultimately it is God who will do this work. Seeing God's true end game in this journey is not solely dependent on my goodness, my ability to obey, my willpower...it is dependent on and guaranteed by His goodness, His power and His promises. It is His righteousness that  I need to make it to the end and His righteousness, I pray will be most evident to everyone when I get there.

Hopefully...
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