The rest of the story...

Discerning readers, or at least discerning readers who know me at all, may have noticed a gaping hole in my previous post.

This post is me, planting a tree in that hole.

Confused? Good...read on. ;)


Whenever someone has any degree of success in quitting a bad habit or sticking to a diet or maintaining an exercise routine or switching to decaf, the response they typically get from others is "I wish I had your willpower!" In case you are tempted to think the same thing about me after reading my previous post...don't. I have the opposite of willpower. This should patently obvious to anyone who knows me or has seen me, for that matter. If I could sum up the state of my willpower in an internet meme, it'd be this one:

True story.

Me doing this and it working now is not just about me making a choice or being sick and tired of being sick and tired or even about good old fashioned gumption, just like the point of this journey isn't just about getting healthy, stopping my migraines and losing weight (more on that later).

Me, doing this and it working this time is fruit.

What do I mean?
Let me explain.

Fruit doesn't just appear randomly, unconnected to anything else, neither does it appear by shear force of will. Fruit is grown as a result of planting a seed, which is then exposed to the proper amounts of water and sunlight. If it manages to survive wind and drought and pests, that seed becomes a tree, which then matures, going through seasons of blossoming and barrenness, until, finally, it gives birth to beautiful fruit. In short, fruit is borne through a combination of effort and providence.

Fruit...on a tree...not materializing out of thin air. ;)

So, I say again, me doing this and it working now is fruit.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've dieted...and failed...a lot over the past 25 years. I've done Weight Watchers, Richard Simmon's Deal a Meal, the Cabbage Soup Diet, Slim Fast, Atkins and random diets my mom found in women's magazines. Most of the time, my attempt was rooted in nothing more than vanity or self-loathing. Those roots usually held for about 2 weeks, and then gave way. Each time, I went right back to how I'd lived before, each time feeling more certain that I was just doomed, stuck in "this" forever. But, each failure, each lesson learned, each victory that showed me what was possible, and each time I was able to start again after failure (even though some times that starting again only lasted a day) led me here, prepared me for now, was the water and sun and protection and nutrients this fruit needed to grow and ripen become ready for harvest.

Tired of the fruit analogy? Ok, I'll speak plainly.

“Agree with God, and be at peace; thereby good will come to you." (Job 22:21)

There really has only been two other times that my attempts to lose weight had any real degree of success. The first time was about 7 years ago. I lost 100 lbs over the course of a year eating low carb. I did not exercise or count calories, I simply cut out "white stuff". The second time, I counted calories and exercised 3-5 times a week. I lost 50 lbs in 6 months. During that time, I discovered that fat girls can run...and I loved it. Though my methods were very different each time, they did have two tings in common:

1. They started with repentance...or agreeing with God.
2. They ended with disobedience.

True story.

See, I've found that there really is only one way to get "here". That way is to "agree with God". I don’t know why, but that is really the hardest step, harder than giving up my favorite treat or getting up early to go for a walk. Agreeing requires me to acknowledge that I made something that wasn't good for me, that was sin, that was disobedience a justifiable option in my life. My response to that agreement is then to take a step in the opposite direction.

For we walk by faith, not by sight.—So we do not lose heart. (2 Corinthians 5:7, 2 Corinthians 4:16)

I found I could manage to address the symptoms of my issue (i.e. finding ways to lose weight or treat migraines) on my own feeble willpower for a while…but only for a while. I did this by convincing myself my problem was something other than what it really was and looking for some “new” trick or gimmick promising change. But, I just ended up back where I started, if not worse off. I don’t believe mine was a unique experience. I believe this is true of pretty much everyone battling sin (or whatever other name you want to give it). The stats for the addiction treatment and weight-loss industries bear this out as truth. The only thing that has ever worked in my life has been agreeing and responding appropriately to that agreement. Mental assent alone won’t cut it. Hoping I somehow wake up tomorrow and just do everything right won’t get me there. God calls us to love him with our heart and soul and mind. To find true change, our agreement needs to put feet to that love and walk in it, by faith, trusting that God will meet us there with what we need to take more steps and not lose heart.

So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.” (Genesis 16:13)

The promise of God to bring peace and good when I agree has been borne out in my life so many times, even in little daily choices. Now, by God's grace and mercy, I am seeing it borne out a third time in the specific area of my weight/health. This change should be harder than it has been. I should be tempted to cheat more. I should be rabid for nachos right about now. I'm not.

But, to be annoyingly clear, I do not credit this ease to my own willpower (see fat cat photo, above) or to my plan being the "right" one. I credit it to being looked after, in the midst of my self-indulgence and stubbornness and disobedience, to being prepared to agree with God...to the point that reaching up and grabbing that big, beautiful fruit was the only choice I wanted to make.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. (Psalm 62:5)

Over the past 6 months, I did become sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I did yearn for change. I did try, every week, to make a plan of my own and stick to it. And, more and more as time went on and each week brought fresh failure, I began to cry out to God for help, for change, for anything...anything at all so long as it wasn't saying where I was, feeling like I was, living how I was. And, I waited. And, God answered. And, I agreed. And, God gave fruit...the first of what I believe will be a plentiful harvest.

Hopefully...
t

p.s. All of the verses quoted in this post were part of my daily reading over the month prior to my agreeing.