Forty plus a whole 'nother year. Another year of this...my Plan Z life. Another year of sitting at a desk instead of making a home. Another year of longing unfulfilled. Another year of temptation to ask "why?" and another year of trying not to. Another year with lots of sighs, heart aches, choking back tears and way too much redecorating.
But, it's also been a year of seeing God as faithful even when I don't get my way. Another year of learning what it is to lean even more on the everlasting arms. Another year of finding a refuge in Him when those tears just won't be choked back. Another year of learning that He truly is a very present help. Another year of choosing Hope over all else.
Hope not in my plan, not that "someday my prince will come" or that I'll get to know what it feels like to fall in love (and have that love returned) to carry and birth a child, to make a life, a family, a home with someone God sent just for me...but in something that is constant, unchanging, guaranteed and won't ever be taken away. Hope in God's love for me, in God's plan for me, in God's faithfulness to me, in God's unrelenting, untiring, undeniable care for me.
No matter how sad I get, how far I wander, how many times I make the same mistakes over and over again...God has proved Himself faithful. He has never just left me in my mess, in my grief, in my disobedience. He has always, always, rescued me and set me on the right path...again...and again. He has always given me what I needed, when I needed it. He has been true, even when I have faithlessly chased after my plan or been ungrateful for his provision.
Tomorrow, I turn 41.
Forty plus a whole 'nother year of evidences of God's kindness, of proving His promises and reasons to say:
The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. (Psalm 28:7)
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